Can't Let You Go
by saturn de wicked
Summary: UPDATED - new part focuses on the Raiha and Mikagami relationship. Has sexual implications, but it's so mild, you'll miss it if you blink. Does not require a change in rating :)
1. Part One

Can't Let You Go 

PART ONE

He opened his eyes. The smell of bacon was too enticing. Yawning, he sat up, the details of the dream coming back to him.

It _is_ a dream, isn't it? he wondered foggily. It had seemed so long and so tiring… he smiled. Hokage… interesting… The nightmare itself was not though. He had dreamed that Mifuyu died - murdered. Now, _that_ was not interesting. Young Tokiya frowned. It was not something he would even dare to think of.

Then his mood lightened - he would share with his neesan about the 'girl' and the 'friends' in his dream, never mind that she would probably laugh her head off and call him silly. His mind paused at the unconscious thought of the girl, and tried to recall her features. His mental picture of her was blurred; the night's adventure had begun to slip from him already. All Tokiya remembered was that she looked a lot like Mifuyu…

She'll probably teased me with something embarrassing… Tokiya pouted.

He jumped out of bed and padded into the kitchen, the smell of bacon beckoning to him. He looked around at his home carefully, as if seeing it for the first time in a long while. Mifuyu was in the kitchen, back facing him, frying something that smelled like good breakfast. It was Sunday, the only day when life was slow at home, and Tokiya was free of homework.

Usually, Mifuyu would stay at home or bring him out to the amusement park. Tokiya liked that, although he only had the share of watching. They had no spare money for him to take rides. Whatever Mifuyu earned, they kept. Life was simple and thrifty, but Tokiya was contented with that. He was always satisfied when Mifuyu was happy. As long as there was a smile on her face, his life would be all right, his world would be in place.

"Ohayo, neesan!" He bounced into the kitchen, full of life. He hugged her from behind and took the chance to grab a slice of bacon from a nearby plate. He popped it into his mouth. "Nice cookin', sis."

"Give that back, brat!" his sister abandoned her frying pan and picked up a ladle to chase him around with. They scooted around the kitchen for a few rounds before Mifuyu caught up and held his brother in a headlock. "You jerk, that's MINE!"

"Geddit from my ass later on!" Tokiya replied cheekily and slipped out of his sister's grasp, running back to his bedroom. Mifuyu cursed something, but the effect was spoilt with her barely controlled laughter. She went back to the kitchen for her still-frying bacon.

Tokiya jumped onto his bed, swallowing his stolen breakfast. He grinned to himself. The right beginning to a day. He picked up a book from a worn shelf and settle down to read. He would have nothing until afternoon, when Mifuyu was most likely to take him out.

He did not know after how long after it was when a small knock sounded on his door, and it opened. Mifuyu stood there glaring at him, hands on her hips. Tokiya stuck out a tongue and shrugged, "Are we going anywhere today?"

"Hey, remember something? You stole my breakfast, brat." Mifuyu walked in, shut the door, and opened her wardrobe. She changed into a blue shirt and a matching skirt. Tokiya did a cat-call and pretended to shield his eyes. His sister threw a hanger at him.

She was rummaging in a drawer for something and young Tokiya was lazing on the bed when the rusty doorknob started to jiggle madly. Mifuyu looked up, surprised, then wary. "Tokiya, come here, shh, quiet!"

Tokiya obeyed for once, curious. Mifuyu grabbed an umbrella and approached the door cautiously. The unsteady lock gave way and the door burst open before she could get any closer. The sky outside darkened, so suddenly it was unnatural. A sense of foreboding crept into Tokiya's mind.

Then, there was the clinking of earrings.

Tokiya suddenly remembered where he had heard the noise before. His heart clenched.

A flash of silver.

His heartbeat quickened.

The knife came down.

He screamed.

The blood.

Silence.

---

Mikagami woke up.

Crying.

---

"Good morning, oh wonderful class of 2-1!" The teacher exclaimed enthusiastically.

"Sensei ohayo gozaimasu…" the class uttered back flatly. Mikagami sighed and continued reading his book.

"Hey hey! Life, people, have some life!" the teacher chided. "Right, on this wonderful day, I have wonderful news for you. Cheers, everybody! There will be a wonderful new student joining this wonderful class to be taught by me, your wonderful teacher, geddit?"

Half of the class brightened up a little. Hands began to shoot in the air.

"Guy or girl, sensei?"

"Tall or short?"

"Great looking? Where's this person from?"

"When's she coming?"

"No, I think it's a he. Another girl won't be fun."

"Girls…"

"Sensei, can we not have a new student?"

"Okay okay," the teacher hailed for silence. "Will everyone be wonderfully quiet?"

"What's he like, sensei?" another persisted.

"Hmm… good question. Wonderful me haven't met that student yet, to be wonderfully frank," the teacher scratched his head. The class tipped over.

"Fear not, oh wonderful class of 2 - 1, he'll be here in a second. *silence* Hey, in fact, he's late! The bell's long gone… now that is wonderfully wrong!" the young teacher exclaimed.

Mikagami sighed again. How long must put up with this Wonder Fool relieve teacher? He was starting to miss his wood-faced sensei, how that was possible was another wonderful mystery.

A knock sounded on the door. ("Ah! That must be the wonderful new student!") Followed by a loud thump. Which was in turn followed by a soft, "Ouch…"

The class sweatdropped. Even Mikagami looked up from the yellow pages of his book. The door slid open slowly and an SD face peeped in. Mikagami froze, unable to believe his eyes. A pale hand weakly pushed the door further and he stepped in, beaming feebly. He had long dark purple hair running down his back and wore a headband. Very familiar. The girls gasped and their eyes turned heart-shaped. BISHONEN!!! The guys looked unsure.

The newcomer glanced around the class then at the teacher. He bowed politely and scratched his head. "Anou… osokunatte, sumimasen, sensei."

The teacher fumbled for something to say. "Never mind. Er… what was that thump just now?"

The newcomer grinned vaguely. "My shirt got caught on the edge of the bulletin board and I fell."

"Erm… okay… right, now, wonderful newcomer, please tell the class your wonderful name, won't you?"

The young man walked to the front of the class and bowed, the smile never off his face. "Hajimemashite, watashi wa Raiha desu."

"Can you just please repeat that again, Mikagami-sempai?" Fuuko spoke slowly, unconsciously polite. "I shall blame my ears for the horror I mistook your speech for."

Mikagami sighed wistfully. "This may be the starting of another round of war with Kurei and the Uruha again."

He brooded silently to himself for five minutes, waiting for his teammates to recover from turning into stone. Recca was the first to break out of the hard exterior cover. He grabbed Mikagami's shirt and hollered into his face, "I HEARD EVERYTHING WRONGLY, MIKAGAMI, CAN YOU REPEAT WHAT YOU SAID? THANK YOU!"

The assaulted young man calmly took out a handkerchief and wiped the bullets of saliva off his face. "Kurei may have sent him to spy on us, or just to keep a lookout for any unusual activities."

"NOT THAT!!! WHO DID YOU SAY WAS IN YOUR CLASS???!!!" Domon roared, wetting Mikagami's handkerchief too. He immediately got a shoe in his face.

Mikagami fished in his magic pocket and came up with a Kills Bacteria Of Any Sort And Prevents Contagious Disease™ spray. Solemnly, he engulfed the three people around him in white, crystallize-able fumes. When everyone and the whole rooftop was in shining crystals, he stopped, and dropped the palm-sized can back inside his magic pocket. "It was Raiha. The Raiha with purple hair. I just scouted around the school a few minutes back. There were no signs of the other Uruha members, nor any more suspicious people. It's either Kurei decided it is time to get rid of us, or another enemy has appeared."

Recca, who had been trembling all the way through the small speech, raised a crystal-covered fist, opened crystal-covered lips, and screamed, "What did you do… that… FOR??!"

Mikagami quirked an eyebrow and remarked, bored, "I scout out the school for danger? Is that wrong?"

"NOO!!" Domon joined in. "What did you spray that insecticide for? To kill us?"

"Your opinion of yourselves seems lower than my own," Mikagami snorted and mused, "Insects… quite right… pests…"

"TEMEEEEE!!!" the two tried to get at Mikagami.

Author's **kind** note: We'll skip this very familiar process to around fifteen minutes later.

When everything calmed down, the foursome sat in silence on the stone floor. "Say something, Fuuko, your name's already safely down in the Guinness' World of Records for an invincible seventeen minutes shut-up span," Recca complained.

Fuuko looked at the cement ground in fascination.

"Fuuko honey?" Domon poked her shoulders.

"Ah?" she blinked. "Oh sorry…"

"Did you live on Planet Earth in the Milky Way for the last seventeen and a half minutes or have you moved to Mars? Recca complained yet again.

"I have a feeling the species of living organisms there would have more similarities with her than the average intellectual human being," Mikagami smirked.

Recca held Fuuko back from strangling their senior. "What's Raiha doing here, Mikagami?"

He closed his eyes and sighed silently. "Haven't I been talking about that since I stepped onto the roof? The pains of engaging in a cerebral conversation with a creature of zoology…"

Recca let that one go, probably because Fuuko had slammed her elbow into his face and knocked him unconscious. "MIKAGAMIIIIIII!!! SHI-NE!!!!"

Mikagami calmly sidestepped the charging Fuuko and let her momentum carry her forward into… well, he did not stay to see. He was down the stairs into the main school building with all the haughtiness that he employed to despise world with. Domon stared at his friends cluelessly. "Nani?"

Mikagami's footsteps fell silently on the corridor's hard cement floor. His head was bowed, deep in thought. An uneasy feeling was settling deep down in his guts; the appearance of an Uruha was never a good thing, with the exception of Koganei. The appearance of a former-Jyushinshyuu was even lesser of a positive omen.

What can he possibly want…? Mikagami wondered, rubbing his temples wearily. Not now… not another battle… just not now…

Something slammed into him, jerking him backwards. Mikagami scowled, regaining his balance easily. He finally looked up, and nearly jumped back in shock. A pair of deep amethyst eyes peered into his. Mikagami kept his cool but drew back despite himself. It was Raiha.

His face broke out into a big apologetic beam. "Ah… sorry about that… I didn't see you coming. Are you hurt?"

Mikagami narrowed his eyes, gave him a look, and walked away. Raiha looked at his retreating back quizzically, and called out, "Mikagami-san! I didn't mean that! Don't be angry with me, will you?"

Mikagami continued on his way, tuning out the voice, but keeping his senses alert in case the Jyushinshuu launched a surprise attack. None came, only sounds of light footsteps walking away. He mentally noted that down for later analyzing. He knew from Fuuko that Raiha had no intentions of killing her from their previous meetings. He wondered whether that privilege would extend to the rest of Hokage. The purple-haired enemy may pretend to be stupid, but Mikagami knew better. He could see that from his eyes.

Those were eyes of the ruthless, one who killed in cold blood. There was a dark element in those violet depths, revealing the cunning and merciless side to him. Mikagami smiled bitterly. He seemed to be describing himself. Two levels of personality… interesting…

---

Raiha frowned. That Mikagami was puzzling. He _did _already apologize… He shrugged, and put the smile back on his face. His day at 'school' had been enriching all right. He did not know 'school' could be that fun. It was great listening to the teacher talk; he found English the most interesting. They did not teach things like that in Uruha. Scratch that, they did not teach anything at all, except advanced techniques in fighting. But books were provided to those who asked for them. Raiha had, but it never occurred to him there would be weird subjects like Philosophy.

Raiha's smile grew wider. It was satisfying his day had turned out. And now, he was on his way to meet Fuuko-san. He did not look young enough to be in her class, much to his disappointment. Raiha did not know his age, but Kurei thought he was seventeen, so seventeen he was. Incidentally, the same age as Mikagami.

He went up the stairs leading to the rooftop and pushed open the door.

"TEMEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! DIE, Mikagami!!!!"

Raiha blinked stupidly as something charged into him, yelling for blood. He was thrown back onto the door he was just about to close. All the breath was knocked out of him from that impact. His mind sharpened, reflexively summing up the situation. It was not long before he classified the current event into the 'Pretend to be Stupid' category.

"Wait! I'm not Mikagami!" Raiha held up his two hands as a sign of surrendering. But his attacker paid no heed. 'I should have used my two arms to block the assault instead': Raiha realized that too late. So it was he could do to accept the punches and not retaliate. He had realized who his attacker was.

"Fuuko-san! It's me! Your prince!!"

The pummeling ceased, then stopped. A pair of fire-lit eyes glared down at him. Raiha grinned weakly. "Kon… Konnichiwa, Fuuko-san…"

Recognition lit in those eyes. Life returned back. "You… you're Raiha, aren't you?"

"That's… what I've been trying to tell you…" Raiha rubbed the many bumps on his head.

Fuuko blinked again, and frowned. Then the fire relived. "What do you MEAN by 'your prince'? Are you asking for death? HUH?"

Raiha jumped away from the punches, wailing, "Sorry! I didn't mean that!"

Fuuko finally calmed down after a while, and plopped herself down on the floor. The rest of the Hokage had gone, probably after Mikagami's life. She found it surprising that even Domon left her alone, but he probably did not want to bear the brunt of her anger when she woke up from her crash into the wall. So the unlucky one was one of the strongest of Uruha, the infamous and feared Raiha.

She frowned at the sudden quickening of her heart. Damn him. "What are you doing here?"

Raiha sat down beside her. "I'm going to be studying here for a short period of time. Kurei-sama wants some time alone with Neon, so he told me and Joker to… find our own amusements… for the time being. I think they went to Kurenai-sama's grave."

"Oh… so… why did you come _here_, anyway? There are plenty other places you can go. I mean, hey, this horrible place is called school, where they give horrible things called homework everyday, and horrible quizzes called Pop Quiz every week, and horrible papers called exams every term. I mean, you've gone nuts?" Fuuko stated loudly as she fell on her back, lying on the heated cement.

"How do I phrase this…?" Raiha mused aloud. "I have never been to school before, and I just want a taste of what it's like. It's great, actually, for me (^____________^). And of course, Fuuko-san studies here too!"

Fuuko turned away and pretended to roll her eyes. She knew she was blushing. Terribly. Damn him again. "Where are you staying now?"

"School hostel. I'm supposed to share a room with someone. I don't know… they haven't assigned me a room yet," Raiha shrugged.

"I see…" Fuuko mumbled.

At that moment, the door swung open loudly, and three girls barged in. They screamed at the sight of Raiha and made to take a step into the meeting place of Hokage. "Raiha-kuuuuuuunnnnnn!!!!"

Raiha fidgeted nervously. "Erm… they've been following me around since this morning…"

Fuuko casually turned her head around and fixed a stare on them. They halted their movements like someone had hit the 'pause' on the remote control. The one in front look at Fuuko in fright, then at their adored Raiha. She immediately turned and headed back down the stairs quietly, not daring to make a sound. Her two companions followed without a word, if not tripping over their own feet in their haste.

Fuuko turned back to face Raiha, "There, gone." She smirked lazily from her position on the floor.

Raiha raised an eyebrow. "Wow…" he mouthed.

Fuuko's smirk turned bitter. "Everyone's afraid of me here. More than they are afraid of a mongoloid like Domon. At least he doesn't go bashing up every person that offends him in the slightest. I have a good reputation for my unreasonable acts in this school."

Raiha's eyes softened. "But… you're not happy being this way?"

"Nope. I'm perfectly fine. They don't mess with me, I let them be," Fuuko closed her eyes.

Silence.

Fuuko opened an eye. "You should go now. It's almost the end of break."

"What about you?"

"I'm tired. I want to sleep," Fuuko flipped onto her side, not facing him. After a while, she asked, "So Kurei didn't send you?"

"No, Kurei-sama went off on a holiday. He's tired too," Raiha smiled softly. Then held up his hands. "I really mean no harm to Hokage."

"Right… buzz off now," Fuuko mumbled.

Raiha stood up and dusted himself down. "See you later then, Fuuko-san."

Fuuko kept her eyes shut until she heard the click of the door closing. She opened them and stared into space. "Nobody cares… everyone's scared… All the better."

---

Raiha shut the door softly, and leaned against it. "So… ka? Fuuko-san…"

---

Mikagami slid his key into the keyhole of his bedroom and opened the door. The day had been more tiring than usual; the appearance of Raiha had caused alarm bells in his head to ring. He supposed, no, he was _certain_ he was the only one of Hokage who bothered to monitor Raiha's movements.

Recca and the rest had not taken the issue seriously. More so, Fuuko, who had even assured their leader that Raiha meant no harm, only 'taking a vacation'. Mikagami snorted. A fool could see that Fuuko had fallen hard for the purple-haired bishonen. Personally, he did not care, but if her foolishness threatened their safety, _Yanagi's_ safety, he would have to take matters in his own hands. Which was not something he did often.

He slammed the door close and flopped onto his bed. The lights were not turned on. He flipped onto his back, and stared at the dark ceiling. The window was wide open, and a small draft wandered in, lifting the curtains. Soft moonlight accompanied it. A very beautiful night.

Like the night in which Mifuyu died.

Mikagami closed his eyes. The knife and blood surfaced immediately. His eyes snapped open again.

Bad mistake.

He rubbed his temples and managed to hold back the wince. Seven years… and the picture was as clear as ever. The blood had lost none of its color.

A lump formed in his throat. Mikagami shut his eyes tightly, trying to forget the tears. The urge to cry was gone after a while, but the pain remained, the picture remained. Maybe that was why he always felt like he was going insane. There was too much grief that his pride refused to release, all sloppily piled up inside him.

He had a feeling that he was already full to the brim. And when the water overflowed, it was going to be a tsunami. He would not have enough senses left to acknowledge that he had gone insane.

He opened his eyes. The room was still dark. The world was still turning. Mifuyu was still not there.

---

Raiha slung his backpack over his shoulder easily and thanked the teacher at the dormitory. He looked at the slip of paper given to him. Room 13.

He went down the corridor, in search of his room. It was at the end of the hallway, the last door, the same creamy white as the rest. He knocked softly before sliding his key into the lock. There was no sound inside. He hoped the occupant was not asleep. It would be really embarrassing to wake someone up and introduce himself as an unwelcomed roommate.

Pushing open the wooden door, he stuck his head in. it was all dark. Whoever it was, he was probably asleep. Raiha sighed and wondered whether to wake the person up immediately or wait until the morning. He canceled out the second option. It was better to get assaulted consciously than unconsciously.

He closed the door and dropped his backpack on the floor. Not bothering to turn on the lights, he padded softly over to the dark shape on the bed, and reached out a hand to touch the person. Before he had made contact, however, there was a swirl of blankets and Raiha found both his arms pinned behind his back, and a strong hand around his neck, fingers poised to crush his windpipe.

Snapping into battle mode, Raiha took a risk and forcefully wrenched his arms away from the painful grip. He was about to pull away the hand from his throat when the fingers tightened, and blocked his windpipe. A low voice whispered in his ears, "Don't move, or you die."

Raiha ceased his struggling. His arms were pinned against his back again. This was a good opponent. If it was one of those silly assassins always on his tail, they would not even have been able to he the movement of his arms, less threaten him with his life. He was that quick.

Raiha realized he recognized the voice. "Mikagami?"

"And they said you were not out to finish us off…" there was a slight sneer in his voice.

"Mikagami-san," Raiha stated calmly. "I am indeed not here to harm any of you. I'm here under the identity of a transfer student, with completed and legal administration procedure documents, if you wish to view them. I'm been assigned to share this room with you, and I was about to wake you up to inform you of this-"

"-And Domon will actually have a three digit IQ," Mikagami finished for him smoothly.

"Don't condemn Domon-san so much, Mikagami-san. He has his own admirable side," Raiha smiled, not moving any other muscle.

"That is not our point of focus, Raiha. What did Kurei send you here for?" Mikagami tightened his fingers.

Raiha gritted his teeth, though not in anger. Breathing was getting harder. "How can I make you believe that Kurei-sama bears no responsibilities for my presence here?"

"Talk, Raiha. Believe me when I say I'm not as blind and gullible as Fuuko and Company."

A knock sounded at the door. "Are you getting on all right, Raiha-san? Comfortable with your roommate?"

"Yes, very much, thank you," Raiha called out politely.

Footsteps decrescendo-ed away. Raiha's shoulders sagged and waited for Mikagami to do something. They held their positions for a full minute before the door burst open and someone crashed in, flipping the light switch. "Mi-chan!"

Mikagami's eyes did not even show any acknowledgements in her sudden presence. He calmly asked, "What do you want, Fuuko?"

"Erm… what are you doing with Raiha?"

"What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing with Raiha?"

"What are you doing in the school hostels at this time?"

"What are you doing with Raiha?"

"What are you-"

"Fuuko-san… please help me convince Mikagami-san that I do NOT mean to assassinate him or anything like that. I am assigned to share a room with him, by the school's arrangements," Raiha interrupted, seeing that the crossfire of words (saliva?) would never end without help of some sort.

Fuuko look like them like they were two idiots fighting over a Shakespeare classic. Finally, she burst into laughter. The sound echoed in the hallway for several minutes, rousing several occupants of the other rooms. Fuuko rolled on the floor, trashing wildly with tears in her eyes, all the while pointing at the frozen duo.

They did not even shift their weight through her whole seizure of laughter, making her laugh even more. Finally, choking and catching a stitch, she stopped. She sat facing away from them, trying to calm herself down.

"Fuuko, if you're done. Come and tell him to get lost. I'll forgo this if he doesn't show up in front of us again." Mikagami demanded.

"Oh Mikagami, you're being so paranoid," Fuuko sighed good-humoredly.

"Oh?" Mikagami replied coldly. "And what prove do you have that I am? How do you know he isn't sent to kill us? Because you're blinded by the superficial factor of yourself? Or is it the teenage hormones?"

Fuuko's eyes narrowed and she raised her gaze to meet her teammate's. "Take that back."

"Tell him to get lost."

"Take that back, Tokiya Mikagami."

Mikagami carefully released his hold on Raiha's throat and backed away. He pointedly ignored Fuuko and said evenly, "I don't know what Kurei has in his mind, but I'm not going to let you hurt Yanagi." I'm not going to let you hurt Mifuyu.

Fuuko stepped forward and slapped him across the cheek.

Mikagami stayed silent for a moment.

Then he fixed his eyes on Fuuko's. His teeth grinding softly, he returned a slap, one twice as loud.

Raiha stepped between them before a fight could break out, holding his hands out as a gesture of peace. "Stop, Fuuko-san, Mikagami-san. I'll leave if you want, I'm sorry. Calm down, I'll leave."

He edged out between them, and picked up his backpack. However, before he could leave, Fuuko dragged him back by his collar and stormed out herself. Raiha looked back at Mikagami. He was already going back to the bed. "So… can I stay here?"

"No."

Raiha sighed. "There are some things about Meguri that I feel I need to tell you. Please give me the chance."

Mikagami's eyes darkened at the mention of his hated and loved master, but after a moment of hesitation, he turned his back on his visitor and went into the bathroom.

"Thank you," Raiha murmured, dropping his bag onto the floor. The room was rather big, but very plain. There were two beds lined by the two walls, in total white sheets and topped with a white pillow each. Beside the beds were two small brown shelves. There was a tiny wardrobe at the end of each bed. They were basically all the furnishings there were in the little room. There was a lack of cheerfulness somewhere…

Mikagami did not seem to have many belongings. There were no decorations or ornaments on his shelves, except for… Raiha's eyes dropped on a picture of Yanagi, framed in lily patterned clay. No… that looks more matured than Yanagi…

Raiha had heard from one of Kai's drunken ramblings that Mikagami had a deceased sister, murdered by his own master whom he had respected and loved for seven years. Raiha did not understand the meaning of betrayal, at least not emotionally. He had plenty of theoretical experience from Kurei. But although the Uruha taught not of fidelity, Raiha, Neon, Jisho and Joker had formed a kind of special bond with their master, and that bond was so hard to break, Raiha was sure he did not need to undergo any sort of actual experience of betrayal.

Therefore he knew the pain, but did not feel it.

He only hoped Mikagami would not react too forcefully after he heard the story he had to tell. Raiha sighed. He raked a hand through his hair. At that moment, the bathroom door opened and Mikagami stepped out, stopping in the doorway to stare stoically at his unwanted roommate.

Raiha nodded at the direction of the empty bed. "I'll sleep there…?"

"What do you have to say about Meguri-se… Meguri. What did he tell you?"

Raiha sat down on his bed, taking silence for acknowledgement. "He said this to me a few years ago… that was when I went to his dojo to deliver a message and some… things, for Kurei-sama. Sit down, won't you? This may be long."

Mikagami eyed him coldly then sat down on his own bed, opposite him.

Raiha smiled. "Yes… as you probably know, Meguri-san has another side to him, somewhat a… less kind side. It's not totally a split personality, maybe just lethargy boxed in, I don't know, but he's an Uruha." Raiha paused. "I've… heard from Kai… about Mifuyu-san."

Mikagami twitched.

"Maybe you may feel very strongly about his… betrayal, and think he… well, don't care about you. Hate you. Take you as a toy."

Mikagami was quiet.

"I don't want to forcefully change your feelings. I just want to tell you what I know, and hope, perhaps, you'll have a better opinion of your… master."

"Get straight to the point, Raiha," Mikagami snapped.

"The few years ago, when I visited him, I believe you were still in his hands. I saw you training in the backyard. He brought me in and we sat down to talk. Not that we have much in common. It's all about Uruha, Ura Uruha and Kurei-sama. Then I asked about you, and Kai. He didn't say much about your junior, but he did comment on you," Raiha shifted, and crossed a leg. "He said… you were very talented. You had the gift and physical attributes for Hyomon Ken, and learnt very fast. He said… the death of your sister probably sped up the will of learning."

Mikagami gritted his teeth silently.

"I'm against his actions, really. Your sister…" he shot the picture on the shelves a look. "She's… very pretty. And young."

"And he killed her," Mikagami stated impassively.

"I know… it's a pity…"

"What do you mean by a pity? What do you _know_ about her?" Mikagami snarled. "What are you even doing here, telling me things I already know? Does the Uruha love suffering so much?"

Raiha lowered his gaze. "Maybe we're hypocrites. But he really does seem to show concern in your welfare. He told me… he considered not handing you to Uruha… after your training was over. He said… you're… you… mean something to him. Something more than a trainee."

"Do I?" the question mocked.

"And he said… he was proud of you… I believe he had wanted to tell you that personally. It was all in his eyes-"

"And you've forgotten he killed my sister."

Raiha's shoulders sagged. "I am not trying to make you forgive him…"

"I won't."

Raiha gazed at him out of a corner of his eye. "I think you know it too. I think you knew it long ago. You knew he cared for you."

"He doesn't."

"Then why did he release you from his 'captivity'? He let you depart from the dojo to hunt for your sister's murderer. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't care about you. He didn't want Mori Kouran to lay his hands on you! And guess what he did after that, of which you are blissfully oblivious? He sent Kai in your place to Mori Kouran. Kai, whose only goal is to defeat you. His life is so simple you can laugh. And then Kai met Kurei-sama, and became part of Uruha Kurenai. To his death, he was still under the control of Meguri's deceptive plotting. And all the while you live your own life, unaware that someone had died in your place. It could have been you, Mikagami… True to the core, the gold and the stone, isn't it?"

Mikagami's eyes narrowed, not showing the hole that the words had driven through his heart. "Your tone has changed, Raiha."

Raiha blinked in surprise. His words had become more cutting without his knowledge. It was rare that he lost control of his speech and courtesy. He supposed he also had a lethargic side that craved for blood, something that all of Uruha possessed, that few managed to conceal. "Sorry about that. I was just getting a little worked up."

"Do you have anything else to say?"

Raiha hesitated. "I… visited him once, after the Urabatousatsujin. I supposed he knew his fate. And he told me to convey you a message… if I… ever saw you."

Mikagami smirked, though it looked more like a snarl. "And what is it?"

"'Live on'. That was what he said."

"…"

"Do you want to believe my words?"

"No."

"As you wish, Mikagami-san. Oyasumi," Raiha said, and smiled at his new roommate before stripping out of his clothes and slipping under the blankets.

Mikagami stared at his pre-sleep profile. The lie was so pathetic Mikagami felt like laughing. He curled up in his own blankets and wondered if he really wanted to believe Raiha's words. Or rather, Meguri Kyoza's words.

'Live on'.

To believe or not to believe… that is the question… He smiled bitterly.

He wondered which hurt more.

---

Raiha stirred himself, and sat up. It was morning already. Eyes bleary, he looked around, and saw a neatly made bed at the opposite wall. There was no one else besides him in the room. Raiha shrugged to himself. He was a little surprised though. He had expected Mikagami to rouse him up in the morning and kick him out. That was why he had not unpacked anything. Easier to salvage in a pack.

He got out of bed and put on some fresh clothes. The turtleneck and jeans he had on the day before were chucked in a separate bag. It was early, around six thirty in the morning, and the sky was not yet fully lighted. It would be more than an hour before school would begin. He pulled out his School Uniform from his backpack. He had never put on a Uniform before. But it was nice - the standard clothes sort of gave the school a sense of unity. Raiha liked the prospect of unity. It was something they lacked in Uruha.

He went into the bathroom to freshen himself up. The night's sleep had been sweet, the best he had since… he forgot. It was ironic, Raiha thought, that he could sleep so well in the presence of someone who had the inclination to kill him.

Just as he stepped back into the room, the door opened, and Mikagami came in, in track pants and a T-shirt. He gave Raiha a Look, and then brushed past him to his side of the room. Raiha watched in amusement. The sword wielder looked tired, something he rarely did.

Mikagami retrieved a towel from his wardrobe and slammed the bathroom door. Raiha sighed and picked up his own towel. Then, he was out of the hostel room for a morning jog.

---

"What are you reading?"

Mikagami raised his line of sight and saw two smiley eyes peeping over his book. He brought his line of sight down again.

Raiha's smile did not falter a single bit. He walked around Mikagami's desk and peered over his shoulders at the black leather bound book in his hands. "Poems?"

"Elegies."

"I see… you like classics?"

"No."

"What about Shakespeare?"

"No."

"Then what's this elegy about? Raiha scanned through the words. His eyes softened. "Never mind. I can't understand this kind of literature anyway. And it's English, no less… See you later then?"

Mikagami did not reply. Raiha waved and slipped out of the class. Mikagami's eyes remained on his back for several seconds before going back to the book. It was worn and tattered from too many reads. The book was originally Mifuyu's; it was one of the things which she kept dear, and she often cried when she read through the works of the various writers. Especially the period just after their parents had died. He caressed the yellow pages with his finger.

The book was open at his favorite piece. Or rather, one that held special meaning to him.

"__I often spin around with you and hear

the fragile music of a carousel.

My horse would gallop forward if I let him

But I prefer the swinging back to where we were,

Slow undulations round and back to identical place.

I prefer to see

Your black hands with mine on a crimson mane

Which will never be swept back by the wind."

He closed his eyes. It was the last stanzas that always made his heart wrench. The elegy talked about a child who had just lost his father, and recalled their times together on a carousel. The boy refused to let go of his childhood and all the times he missed, and prefer to go round and round, on the same memory, instead of living in reality.

Mifuyu had loved the piece too, and often said the 'black hands' referred to their father. Mikagami did not know. The deceased kin had left no memory in him; he was just some stranger Mifuyu spoke constantly about. But… he rather thought the elegy clicked well with his feelings. Neesan… neesan… tell Tokiya what to do now… He rubbed his temples, suddenly tired.

He had not slept the entire night. Not because of Raiha. There were worse horrors than a mere mortal, in the darkness. The past few nights had been restless, until finally he did not _dare_ to sleep. The nightmares… they haunted him… Now that he had nothing to occupy his life, the bad bad images resurfaced easily and often.

And always, after his nightmare, he would wake up all sweaty and…crying.

He had never felt so useless before. Even after Mifuyu's death, he was still working, still striving, for a purpose in life. No matter how pathetic, he's life still had meaning. And now, all he could do was to waste away his time in school. Wake up, school, sleep. The Life Cycle.

And then, someday, The Life Cycle would end at 'sleep', and there would never be a tomorrow again. He was beginning to wish the day would come sooner.

The bell rang for start of class.

Mikagami sighed and kept the book. It was the 'school' part of the day again.

Raiha slipped in from the back door and into the seat beside him. Mikagami ignored his presence. Then the day continued…

Four hours later. Without realizing, the time flew, and it was an end to the period of 'school'. Mikagami gathered up his things. The classroom was considerably empty, and he was packing his bag. It would have been quiet and suitably lonely if there had not been…

"Mikagami-san, are you having your lunch in the cafeteria? Are you going out to eat? I'll be back at the hostel room early tonight. Is there a problem there? I can stay out late if you want. Can you-"

"Can you shut up?"

Raiha blinked. "Me?"

"Yes," Mikagami growled, his teeth clenched tight.

"Gomenasai!! (_) I'm sorry if I'm bothering you! But I'll be coming back early today!! Bye!!" Raiha rushed out of the room, as abrupt as usual.

Mikagami stared at his back, frowning.

In the corridor, Raiha slowed down and went down to the second floor to Fuuko's classroom. When he opened the door and peeped in, he saw no one in the class except for a lone shadow sitting completely still in a chair. Raiha walked up to her and commented, "You'll get cramps for not moving at all."

The girl immediately jumped and whirled around to face him. When she recognized the owner of the voice, she frowned like she had gotten one whole year of detention and scowled. "What did you do that for?"

Raiha smiled sheepishly. "I didn't know you'll be so startled."

Fuuko snorted and sat down again, mixed emotions raging inside her at the sudden entrance of the ninja into her thoughts. "What business do you have with me?"

Raiha's smile turned into a grin. "Nothing much, just wondering if you would like to… go somewhere with me."

Fuuko's breath caught in her throat. She asked, "Like…where?" She bated her breath. Is he asking for a date?? No, it can't be!

"Do you want to continue training? We can go to the mountains to fight again," Raiha ^^-ed.

Fuuko crashed into the floor.

"Fuuko-san!" Raiha cried, alarmed. "Please don't stress yourself so much! I take back my invitation, I won't invite you to the mountains with me."

Fuuko climbed back into her chair, an 'x' on her forehead. "I didn't mean that…"

"Then it's done!" Another big smile. "Shall I meet you after lunch? Yes? Then see you! Bye!"

Fuuko was left there sitting stupidly in the empty classroom. She smiled in resignation. Raiha was always that sudden and out of the blue. She wondered when her affection for him has started; it was probably from the first time she saw him, in the forest areas outside the arena of the Urabatousatsujin. That meeting too, had come out of nowhere.

And so forth. Then like everything, her infatuation just appeared. Splat. Right in the face. And now she was having trouble wiping it off. She smiled again, half disgusted with herself for feeling what she did. But she would never show it, never.

Lunch was with the Hokage, in the middle of the cafeteria, where Recca stood on top of a table and tried to demonstrate how noodles can be eaten through the nose. Yanagi was frantic and embarrassed, but did not do much. Mikagami again was not there. Fuuko was giving him the cold shoulder anyway. The slap had been an utter humiliation.

In the end, Fuuko herself had to whack Recca off the table because his shoes were shaking soil and mud into her bowl. It was their usual daily routine, but for once, Fuuko was glad her friends were so silly. At least, it helped to take her mind off things, like-

"Fuuko-san!"

-that.

Fuuko turned around, a little startled. Raiha stood directly behind her, giving her a little wave. The rest of Hokage turned and looked at him, and Recca tensed, extending an arm in between the purple haired ninja and his princess. Fuuko, uneasy, stood up and picked up her bag. "Guys, I'll be gone with Raiha for a while, enjoy yourselves…"

Then she scooted out of the place and Raiha followed, after bowing once to the surprised group of people.

"Wait a MINUTE! Where are they going??!!" Domon howled, and tried to follow. Recca and Yanagi tried to pull him back, but his strength was overwhelming for the two, and he went charging the way the duo had gone. Recca and Yanagi could only stare.

---

Mikagami approached the edge of the cliff and sat down, under the shade of a lone tree there. It was another of those days when he had to find someplace quiet, to sleep. The idea may seem funny to most, to sleep outside in the day, in bright daylight, but Mikagami knew that it was the only time when he could rest.

The night was too scary to sleep in. The daylight would keep the nightmares away. He sighed and leaned against the tree trunk. He often came here, to this spot, just to look at the scenery available from the cliff top. It was not in the least admirable. The cliff overlooked the busy city of Tokyo, where everything moved so fast and predictably. It was just a giant ant nest.

He brought his legs closer to him and hugged them, burying his face into his knees. And he was part of that ant nest… That made him wonder what his life was for, even if it had a purpose. He was just going to be like those people down there, repeating the same routine again and again everyday, until he died. That was a scary thought. The one time when we're given a mind, a will, and a body control, the once chance given to us to live, we go and waste it like this…

But then again, the ants below probably felt that life with their loved ones were enough. Mikagami hugged his knees closer. He would too, if he could… if he was given the chance.

With those thoughts, he was about to drift to sleep, again hoping that it would be his last. Every time, he wished, and every time, no one above listened or cared.

"OUCH!!"

"Fuuko-san!"

"Shit, no, don't move me."

Mikagami opened an eyelid, mind still in pieces after the silent grieving. He closed that eye again, too tired to care. Let the two find him if they wanted.

---

Fuuko eased her foot out of the deep hole in the ground, wincing. Raiha knelt by her, brushing the creepers away from her injured foot. Fuuko moved her ankle a little and squeezed her eyes shut at the pain.

"How is it?" Raiha inquired, not daring to touch her anymore.

"Just a twist. Who's this shit of a person who dug this hole? If I ever find him…"

Raiha sweatdropped as Fuuko continued her cursing into swearing. "I… don't think you can walk, Fuuko-san. What a pity, the cliff is just a little further… you can see it from here, can't you? The view is magnificent…"

"Some other day maybe, Raiha," Fuuko said, standing up and hopping on one leg. "When my foot is better. I don't think you'll want to carry me there."

Raiha immediately brightened up. "Yes, of course I can carry you there, how can I forget that? Come on, Fuuko-san." He squatted down to let her climb onto his back. Fuuko ground her teeth to try to control her blush.

"N-no, thanks. I can manage fine. The scenery will be there everyday, Raiha, there's no rush. So now, we'll just go back and I want to bandage my foot, okay?" Fuuko half-babbled.

"Oh… never mind then," Raiha smiled. But he did not get up.

"What are you still doing? I'm going now."

"I'll carry you down, of course. You can't walk all the way with a twisted ankle."

Fuuko hesitated for a while. She did not want excess physical contact with Raiha, but she herself knew her foot could not last her all the way. But again… carried by a man… _That_ is what you call an utter insult… But the plus point was that it would be _Raiha_ carrying her. FUUKO KIRISAWA!! What are you thinking about??!!"

Finally, she nodded. Raiha beamed and Fuuko leaned her weight onto his shoulders, and tried to sling her legs over his waist. It was fortunate that Raiha was not ticklish. After a few unsuccessful attempts and a lot of blushing, Fuuko stopped and muttered, "This won't work, Raiha, I'll just walk on my own."

Raiha sighed good-naturedly and stood up. Fuuko was relieved he had not made a fuss. Just as she was about to take a step forward, she felt herself being lifted off the ground. Amethyst eyes probed into her own green depths. Fuuko could only look away, but did not protest despite her I-will-squash-every-guy-who-dares-to-think-women-are-weak personality.

Warmth touched her lips. Her eyes darted back to Raiha's face, and found his eyes staring deeply into hers. She did not respond, possibly too stunned. The gentle kiss only lasted for two seconds, and then he was moving, walking down the hill with her in his arms, like she was everything.

---

Mikagami saw them out of the corner of his half-opened eyes. Must be nice to have someone who'll care for you… he smiled, feeling hot tears prick. He turned away from the couple as Raiha gently carried Fuuko down the hill.

He faced the sky again, the broad blue sky. He liked the sky, because in his heart, the cloudless blue had cracked and crashed long ago, and there was no one to fix it for him.

---

Two whole weeks had past and Mikagami still showed no signs of friendliness, or even acceptance, towards Raiha. The latter frowned cutely. Mikagami did not even dare to sleep in his presence, he knew, because every night, his roommate's eyes would be wide open, staring at the ceiling.

Raiha found it sort of creepy, because the eyes never seemed to blink, and it always looked like Mikagami was dead.

Like now… Raiha sighed in his mind. "Mikagami-san?"

The eyes did not even blink. "What?"

"Can't we just get along?" Raiha pleaded.

"I'm not Fuuko."

"I'm not talking about Fuuko-san…"

"Fuuko-san? I thought it should be Fuuko-koibito now?"

"Mikagami-san!" Raiha protested. He and Fuuko _had_ gotten along quite well, he admitted. And the extent of their friendliness bad brought upon the ninja some other hulk's extreme hostility. Actually, Raiha would opt for the hostility if given the choice, because Mikagami's lack of emotion was unnerving him.

"…" Mikagami got up from his bed and popped a CD into his stereo set. Soft music played, loud in the silence of the room. He climbed back into his blankets.

_** Here sitting all alone  
In the stillness of my room  
Silence fills the space  
Where I once held you  
There's a breeze around me  
A memory that chills me to the bone  
And I wonder where you are  
It's tearing me apart **_

My heart can't let you go  
Though I try to break away  
It haunts me every night  
But the ghost of you won't fade  
You've hypnotized my soul  
My heart can't let you go  


Raiha sighed again and kept quiet. He knew from experience that Mikagami did not like people bugging him. His mind shifted into a sleepier mode, and the music started its third verse. He turned his thoughts away from Mikagami and his coldness, to a much friendlier topic, for example, Fuuko. Raiha smiled. The dream that night would be good.

---

Where am I? Tokiya sat up and looked around. He was in a white room, on a white bed, covered with a white towel. He groaned. His chest hurt.

His eyes wandered to out of the window. It was raining. The scenery outside looked familiar. That's the school field, isn't it? He frowned. That means… THIS IS THE STAFF QUARTERS!!!

He started to panic.

What have I done this time? Have I gotten into a fight again? Shit, neesan will skin me for this…. Tokiya slipped out from under the blanket and looked around. It was probably the sickbay he was in, and the white door led to the staff lounge. He could escape from there, and then he need not explain to Mifuyu with an accompanying teacher spinning fables. Better to get fried in privacy.

He quietly opened the door and peered out cautiously. All clear…

He stepped into small room then tip-toed over the door leading out into freedom. He turned the knob and opened the door. Mifuyu stood outside. She glowered.

Tokiya swallowed.

"Neesan… wait, I can explain. I didn't provoke them! Believe me! It was only self-defense!" Tokiya pleaded, almost in tears.

Mifuyu stepped around him into the staff lounge, followed by Tokiya's teacher. He looked down at his student in contempt and disgust. "You won't get out of punishment this time, kiddo," he muttered.

Tokiya stuck a tongue out at him and followed his sister back inside. She sat tensely in a sofa, faced by his teacher directly across. Tokiya stood by her side, head hung, but fiercely swearing at his sensei in his head. Stupid froghead. If you dare to make neesan cry, I'll skin and fry your ass with lots of salt and onions.

The teacher cleared his throat importantly. "Mikagami-san, I'm sure you've heard a lot about your brother's misbehaving in school."

Mifuyu nodded.

"Well, I'll like to inform you that just approximately three hours ago, he got into another fight with two boys a year older than him. It is fortunate that he is not seriously hurt. However, I cannot say the same for the two other poor children. Both suffer fractures in their arms, and Tanaka-san's thumb is dislocated. As you can see, much more than they did to Tokiya."

Mifuyu's eyes widened. Mikagami groaned silently.

The teacher shifted, obviously happy at their reaction. "When I asked them about the fight, they told me Tokiya jumped at them from a dark corner and attacked them. I do not feel inclined to judge the affair just based on their verbal statement, but I'm afraid that your brother has too much of a reputation in school as a trouble maker."

"That's NOT true!" Tokiya hollered. "I didn't-"

"Now Mikagami-san, I wish to hear your opinion on this," the teacher ignored his student.

Mifuyu's fist tightened on her dress. She asked quietly. "Tokiya, what do you have to say?"

"I didn't do it, neesan! Do you want to believe me or that ox over there? I did hurt them but THEY started it first!"

Mifuyu's face clouded over. Then in the same quiet voice, she stated, "Sensei, I think I shall believe my brother. He never lies to me and I find no reason to distrust him now. I'll pay for the two children's medical fees, and remove Tokiya permanently from this school." She stood up. "Come on, Tokiya."

Tokiya stared at his sister in dismay. She wiped the tears from her cheeks fiercely and grabbed his hand, pulling him along with her. Tokiya ran to catch up. "Go-gomenasai, neesan…"

"Shh… if you're not lying, then it isn't your fault."

She reached out a hand to turn the doorknob. Before she could open the door, the silver metal in her hands started rattling. The sky outside darkened, like the fast forward of a tape from day to night. Mifuyu backed away. Tokiya shivered. The situation felt familiar.

He looked around. It was not the staff lounge anymore. He was in their house, in the bedroom he shared with Mifuyu. The door burst open.

Then, there was the clinking of earrings.

Tokiya suddenly remembered where he had heard the noise before.

A flash of silver.

His heartbeat quickened.

The knife came down.

He screamed.

The blood.

On his face.

---

Mikagami bolted up in bed. His breath came in puffs, and he looked around in fear. Where am I? Where is neesan? WHERE IS NEESAN!?

He scrambled up from the tangled bed sheets and tried to run. Run to where Mifuyu was. Neesan… neesan… don't die… please don't die… I didn't mean to make you angry. Where are you, neesan?!

He frantically searched for a door that led out of the small, enclosed space he was in. He did not recognize the room, and his body felt strange. Mikagami saw a door at the end of the bed he was in. His hands grabbed the metal knob and tugged futilely at it. It jiggled madly. He froze.

NOOOOOO!!! Not that noise, not that noise, not that noise… Mikagami backed away. Turn the knob, a voice said to him in his head.

He reached out a hand to touch the knob again. The door did not burst open. Mikagami's arm trembled, but he got a good grip and turned the round handle. The door swung open.

Mikagami stumbled in, and his knees buckled. He recognized the new place as a bathroom. Water… blood… he scrambled up from the cold tile floor and turned on the tap at the sink. The water sloshed out. Like the blood. Mikagami gasped in fright and backed away from the tap. He remembered the red that slapped him across the cheek. Mifuyu's blood.

Neesan…! He looked up from the running water in terror, suddenly remembering again. Where are you?!

He found himself staring into the mirror. At someone totally unlike him. That image in the mirror was not him. Mikagami clutched at his hair. The image in the mirror moved too. Scared, he screamed. He did not have long hair. His hair was cropped, not long, not long enough to be all over his shoulders. Nor was he that tall. He suddenly remembered that at his height, he should not be tall enough to look directly into the mirror. And… the blood was not on his face.

Silence.

Realization.

Mikagami leaned onto the sink, his knees giving way. He chuckled, then laughed. What was he thinking about? The blood on his face had been washed away seven years ago. His laughter grew louder.

Mifuyu's been dead for SEVEN YEARS, Tokiya Mikagami. He giggled, then wiped the tears away from his eyes. He put his face under the tap, nearly choking on the water in the midst of his laughter. The cold water washed away the dried tears on his face, together with the fresh ones, and the imaginary blood that was always there.

He raised his head and glared into the mirror. His reflection glared back at him. Then he burst into another round of laughter. The new tears mingled with the water on his face. Grinning widely, he raised a hand and punched the mirror.

The image shattered.

The older Tokiya Mikagami shattered.

The blood flowed fast from his cut up fist. He picked up a broken shard and saw his reflection in it. He was still a teenager with no sister beside.

_ **Now I try and turn the page**  
**I know I must move on**  
**But I never get too far**  
**It's you alone that I want**  
**There's a touch that's missing**  
**An emptiness that I've never known**  
**And I don't know where to start**  
**It's tearing me apart**  
_

His laughter dwindled into a smile, then that too faded into more tears. "Neesan… why did you leave me…?" His knees gave way and he fell onto the cold tiled floor. Sobbing, he curled himself into a tight ball and burrowed into a corner. The world suddenly felt colder than it already was.

Then a sudden thought occurred to him. He looked at the broken shard of mirror on the floor beside him, then at the image in it. The vision was blurred through the tears, but the little boy saw something that reassured his cut and bleeding soul. He slowly ifted his head and looked up at the space beside him, and his tears ceased, like his sister was there, beside him, again.

Then he smiled, with the innocence and hopes he had always rejected before.

"Don't worry, Tokiya will come and see you now. Tokiya won't have to cry anymore. Neesan will be with Tokiya."

For once, there was no pain or longing in those baby blue eyes. Because the little boy was happy, contented.

He picked up the shard of glass and slashed his wrist.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Well, it seems like Mikagami really broke big time. This fanfiction is dedicated to Raydance-sempai for her birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SEMPAI!!!!! It's supposed to be a one-shot but I can't fit everything into one chapter fast enough to be in time for her _ it's all basically crap this chapter. Next part, I promise a lot more romance and a lot more STORY. Okay, whatever kind of 'romance' I can come up with anyway. There will only be two parts. Oh yeah, Raydance-sempai, this fic is what you previously know as Crash and Burn.

Oh my gawd, what a pathetic thing for a birthday present…

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Can't Let You Go is an original piece of work copyrighted to saturn de wicked™. Characters in this fan fiction are adapted from Flame of Recca without permission from their creator and are copyrighted to their respective owners.

My Heart Can't Let You Go the song, from album Mikaila, is copyrighted to Mikaila and adapted without permission.

Carousel is a work of Lucinda Roy and adapted without permission.

© 2001 saturn de wicked™


	2. Part Two

****

Can't Let You Go

PART TWO

"MIKAGAMI!!!" Raiha shouted.

His roommate, limp on the floor, opened an eye. No recognition lit in those blue foggy depths. The eye closed again, and the white lips moved feebly. Raiha knelt down by his side. His bare knees were soaking in blood before long and Raiha spared a second to look at the deep gash in Mikagami's right wrist. The blood was still spurting out fast, and his roommate was becoming paler by the second.

Raiha ran back into the room, seeking something that can be used for tying. He threw open Mikagami's wardrobe and grabbed a shirt, cursing his own inattentiveness. The smell of blood was so strong in the room, Raiha felt repulsed. In his life, he had witnessed and caused much more bloodshed in comparison, but there was something strange about the whole situation that made the ninja's guts twist.

That look… that look on his face… Raiha felt the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. It was unusual, that someone could make him feel that uneasy. He sped back into the bathroom again and knelt beside Mikagami. The pool of blood around him was growing wider, stretching its boundaries as the still body fed even more of the red liquid. Raiha quickly tied the shirt tightly around Mikagami's right forearm, to keep back the blood as much as he could. Then he raised the arm and pinned it vertically to the wall. The elevation could help at least a little. He hoped.

With his other hand, Raiha gently slapped Mikagami's pale cheeks, which were whiter than usual. There was not even a twitch. He was motionless, as if he was already dead. Raiha grimaced at the thought. Judging by the amount of blood, he should be still conscious… the blood loss is still inadequate to knock him out cold.

Raiha's slaps became more insistent. After a few seconds, Mikagami opened an eye again, and his lips moved. Raiha, encouraged, pushed the pale locks away with his fingers and whispered, "Come on, open you eyes, don't sleep… I'm going to call the ambulance now…"

Eyes unfocused, Mikagami moved his lips again. Raiha leaned closer. "What are you trying to tell me?"

A few quivering breaths. Raiha leaned even closer. The zoned out eyes lit up in… Happiness? Raiha frowned, concerned. What is it that made him… He looked at the blood around him.

"Ne… n-neesan…?" Mikagami smiled weakly, angels in his eyes.

Raiha's felt chill running down his back. Mifuyu… again?

"A-are you… are… you… are y-you th-there… nee… san…?" the hoarse voice managed to choke out. The smile grew wider.

Raiha touched the white face softly. "Hang on, pal, I'll call the ambulance now…"

He got up and ran back into the room, in search of Mikagami's hand phone. His stomach was in chaos; the innocence deep in the recesses of Mikagami's eyes, behind all the scars and pain, was terrifying - he felt like retching. The look in his eyes were all the seven years of hopes and longing, and Raiha had found himself pinned by the arrows pain. From just one look, Raiha's insides quivered. Mikagami's eyes told him he had seen the one _flicker_ of light in the darkness, for the first time in seven long years.

At that moment, the moment when their eyes met, Raiha thought he had seen right through Mikagami's heart, seen the perpetual black, the dreams of happiness that were never welcomed but always there, seen the scars that were inflicted, _engraved_, on him… one by one, endlessly, slowly…

But what his eyes failed to notice… was Mikagami's outstretched hand behind him, and the hurt in the blue eyes that never left his back.

---

Mikagami opened his eyes. He was in a white room. Again. He closed his eyes back in resignation. Don't tell me I've picked another fight with those bullies again… He sighed. I'm outnumbered, outsized and out-aged, and they still pile all the blame on me. It's not as if I am the one picking the fights… just because THEY'RE injured, I'M the bad guy… not my fault they're _that_ lousy…

He wondered what sort of trouble he would get into this time. Most of the boys hated him for his good looks and weird hair color, and constantly picked on him. Beauty is a sin… Mikagami thought cynically.

He tried to swing his legs off the bed but found he could not. Surprised, he frowned and tried to sit up but found he could not too. His whole body felt limp and tired, Mikagami noticed for the first time, like the non-Duracell rabbit that had run out of batteries.

Damn… now I don't even have the strength to run away… He gave up and relaxed into the soft bed. Weird. It felt nicer than the one in the infirmary. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something that made him frown in confusion. What's that drip hanging there for?

He turned his head, and followed the tube of the drip down… down to… his arm. Oh shit oh shit oh shit, what have I done?? Those bastards CAN'T beat me up this badly… since WHEN did I get into a fight, anyway? How come I don't remember at all?!

The door opened, and someone stepped in. Mikagami strained his neck to see who his visitor was. Please, not neesan… she'll kill me…

But it was. Mikagami groaned, and covered his eyes with his non-attached forearm. Strange. His voice was deeper than usual… Internal injuries now… sheesh, the nightmare never ends…

As the brown-haired young woman stepped forward towards him, she noticed he was awake. She smiled, and said, "You are awa-"

"I'm _sorry_, neesan… I don't know HOW THE HELL I got into this situation… I'm really sorry… I promise you, I will try to be better from now on, I really will. I know I'm a big burden to you, but it's not ME who picks the fight. It's always the other boys… I'm sorry…" Mikagami blurted out.

He moved a finger to peek at his sister. "Please don't be angry…"

She looked clueless, eyes wide, staring at him. Mikagami squeezed his eyes shut. Damn… now she can't even get a word out… she must be real mad… "You can scold me all you want…" Mikagami finally said meekly, breaking the silence.

"I… Mikagami-sempai…? I'm sorry… I think… I'll leave you to rest now… I'm not… her… I'm not your sister," Yanagi bit her lips, and bowed her head low, feeling like she had committed a sin. Whatever her friend had just said was obviously not meant to be for her.

Mikagami blinked. "Neesan? What are you talking about?"

Then all came back to him.

"Run, Tokiya… run…"

A deep still settled in him, weighing down everything. Mikagami closed his eyes tightly, and covered his face with a sweaty hand. "Damn… damn…"

Yanagi held her hands tightly together, feeling guilty, like all of Mikagami's misery was caused by her, her presence. Her eyes felt like they were burning. "I'm sorry… sempai…"

Mikagami sank back into the bed, feeling flat. He smiled emptily, then chuckled. "Why sorry? Why to me?"

"She must have meant a lot to you…" Yanagi whispered, not knowing what else to say.

"Everything. She was everything," Mikagami deadpanned. He opened his eyes and looked and the bandages on his right wrist. "Who brought me here?"

"Raiha… Raiha-san."

"Meddling bastard…" Mikagami muttered tiredly. "Please leave me alone for a while, Yanagi-chan… Please."

"But… Mikagami-sempai… why did you… please tell me. I only want to help…" she was nearly in tears. "Why didn't you come to us? We're your friends, aren't we?"

Mikagami sighed. The silence hung for a long while, before Mikagami spoke again. "Please… just leave me alone. And don't cry, Yanagi-chan. Don't cry…"

Yanagi tried to control the tears that kept flowing out. Then she bowed and nearly ran out of the room. Mikagami watched her distress, and still stared at the door that swung to a stop, still staring… long, long after she was gone.

It was much later, when he suddenly felt tired, that he closed his eyes. "Neesan…"

The eyes opened again, against his will. It drifted to the drip on the stand by his bedside. Then it wandered to the needle in his arm. He moved his hand, the one bandaged, and removed the sharp metal forcefully. It did not hurt. Nor did the wound on his wrist. He only felt tired. Tired of everything.

He held the needle up and stared at it in fascination. Then, be brought it down, and slashed his left wrist.

Once.

Twice.

Again and again.

His eyes zoned in and focused only on the destroying of his own body, with a determination bordering on obsession. He could feel the warm blood on his face, spurt after spurt, as he continued lashing at his already torn and bloody wrist. Warm blood, like seven years ago. But now, he did not care, did not feel the terror he once experienced, because there was nothing left to lose.

---

The Hokage and Raiha congregated in the corridor outside the sword wielder's ward. Recca put an arm around his princess, trying to sooth her sobs. Stupid ice block, I'm going to make him pay for making hime cry…

Yanagi had called up the rest of Hokage after she fled the room. It had been two days after Mikagami was admitted, with enough loss of blood for him to enter a short-term coma. Yanagi had been terrified, but the doctor had assured the team that he would wake within one week. Apparently, the Ensui master did not need that long.

Fuuko was silent, as she watched Kagerou move forward to comfort Yanagi too. It was one of the times when she felt that her anger towards someone was incorrect, _wrong_. It made her guilty, somehow, that she was still angry with a man who had just tried to end his own life. But again, that gave her double reason to be furious. Stupid fool… what was he thinking about? Just cutting himself up like that, without any reason… and what did he say about wanting to protect Yanagi from Kurei? That psycho is still running free out there and he, the forever brilliant, decides to just chop his hand up. Baka!

She was sure Domon shared her own feelings, because his expression was one of anger rather than worry. Koganei, she was not so sure about. The young kid sat on one of the pale green seats, brooding, eyes blank. Fuuko's eyes drifted to the bandanna on his wrist. He too, had been one who had once chosen to forgo his own life. Fuuko scowled unconsciously. Were her friends pathetic or was the world too harsh with them?

She frowned, shocked at her own thoughts. Fuuko Kirisawa, since when have you turned into this heartless freak…?

Raiha put a hand on her shoulders. She turned to look at him. He gave her a little smile, which Fuuko returned. What she thought earlier as a teenage infatuation had obviously turned into something more, something a LOT more. She was in denial, not sure how she should deal with her own heart, because the inevitable would come a day and the two would have to fight. And common sense told Fuuko that Raiha would choose to follow Kurei over her.

So why am I even feeling this anyway? This is just plain _pointless_! Fuuko looked at the hand on her shoulders, and placed her own hand over it. Raiha tugged at her arm slightly, and whispered, "Can we go somewhere else? I want to talk."

Fuuko nodded, and followed him into out into the lobby. Raiha gestured for his… friend to take a seat. Fuuko flopped down on the rough cushioned seat mutely. Raiha just sat beside her, as she brooded over the events of the past few days. "Do you know why he tried to kill himself?"

Raiha leaned back onto the cushion, and murmured, "I think it's because of his sister…"

Fuuko glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "You've told me that before. But why? How can you tell?"

"That's partly the reason why I want to talk to you. I don't know who else to turn to… I… when I found him… he was… in this delusional state, I think. He thought I was his sister, and there's this… _look_ on his face. It's scary… the kind of happiness he can find at the brink of life and death… He was happy, Fuuko. And the level of it is enough to make me wonder whether I should have saved him." Raiha buried his face in his hands.

Fuuko opened her mouth to say something, then shut it again, finding no words on her tongue. Finally, she asked, "But why? It's been seven years… and he still can't get over the incident? Surely no love or hatred can be that great? And as strong as to force him into suicide?"

"I don't know, Fuuko-san… I think it's an obsession, this love for his sister…"

Fuuko bit her lips, at the same time, trying to bite back the resentment she still harbored towards the first man who had slapped her in her life. She was a generous one, and rarely remembered people for the wrongs they had done to her. She contemplated on the idea of an apology, because she felt like she was committing a sin, being angry with someone who had just nearly died. "Have you noticed anything strange with him lately? Since you're staying with him…"

"Nothing much… he ignores me most of the time. But one thing strange is that he doesn't sleep."

"What do you mean?"

"At first, I thought he was afraid I would attack him in his sleep or something, but then every night, and I mean absolutely _every night_, I'll wake up to find him staring at the ceiling. His eyes will be all blank, and it's creepy sometimes." Raiha rested his head on his palm, and sighed.

Fuuko's eyes narrowed. "You mean… he hasn't slept since you moved in, maybe even longer?"

"I don't know… I don't know…"

Fuuko ran her hand through her hair in frustration. "I just want to know just _what_ forced him to end his own life… From what I know, he _can't_ be that stupid. He must know there are other ways out…"

"As I told you, he was in a delusional state when I found him. His mind seemed to have gone back to when he was still a child. And from what Yanagi-san said, he acted that way when he first saw her too, just now. I think his love for his sister is that great, enough to force his mind back to the past, and let himself make believe that she is not yet dead…" Raiha looked at the frown that marred Fuuko's face. "Serious, isn't it?"

Fuuko nodded slowly. "From now on, we'll just have to get him to open up more… _talk_. Or else his screw will fall loose again… and someone's better be by his side all the time, to make sure he doesn't try any more tricks on himself."

Silence followed for a long while, as both got absorbed in their own thoughts.

Finally, Raiha looked at his watch and heaved a deep breath. "Wow, it's been so long… Yanagi-san should have calmed down by now… I wonder if she'll go in again. She seems to be the one Mikagami is most attached to…"

Fuuko stood up. "Let's go back."

Raiha nodded, and led them back to outside Mikagami's ward. Heads turned their way as they walked up. All of them were there, meaning no one had dared to go in yet. Just as Fuuko was about to tap on Yanagi's hunched shoulders, Raiha suddenly felt a surge of… something, and he caught her hand as it reached. Fuuko looked at him questioningly. Raiha smiled and brushed her long bangs away from her worry-creased face. "I'll go… I want to talk to him…"

Fuuko was surprised, but nodded and moved out of his way. The whole corridor was thick with silence, only broken one in a while by the clatter of moving beds and trays. Raiha searched each of the Hokage's faces, looking for disapproval. There were only silent agreement and resignation.

Raiha made to take a step towards the ward which everyone unconsciously tried to avoid, verbally or physically. Fuuko, on impulse, took hold of his hand and gave it a small squeeze. Raiha looked at the entwined fingers in surprise, then raised his eyes to meet Fuuko's. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, closing out the edgy feeling. Raiha squeezed her hand in return, then let go.

He felt bad that he had a blissful feel somewhere deep inside him, when he was about to comfort someone who was as desperate as to commit suicide. He pushed open the creamy door and stepped in.

And froze.

"DOCTOR!!!" he screamed, and dashed out of the room again, disappearing down the corridor, leaving the door to crash shut behind him. Fuuko took a step in his direction, frowning in puzzlement. Then something clenched in her heart, and the terror started to manifest.

"What's he doing?" Recca muttered, scowling at no one in particular. There were murmurs of agreement from the rest. Fuuko tensed, like bracing herself for an attack. She pushed open the door.

The Hokage stared.

At the bloody red sheets and the unconscious figure.

Yanagi fainted.

---

Raiha stepped into the white room. The person on the bed had not moved much since his last visit. Raiha set his basket of fruits down on the table. It was stupid, he knew, to bring food to someone who could not even open an eyelid. But it was the colors of them that made the room seem less dead, because its occupant did not provide the 'life' factor at all.

Raiha sat down on the white chair by the bedside. It had been more than a week already, from the time when he had found Mikagami at his second attempt to end his own life. Raiha could not blame himself more, for leaving a suicidal man unguarded. It was the highest achievement of stupidity…

Raiha took a deep breath and started to talk. To no one, but the unhearing man in front of him. "You know, it's been so lonely these few days… I didn't know your silence contributed so much to the sense of… presence, in our room. The hostel is so empty, every night I return… The news of you flew around the school like someone has specially delivered official announcement letters," Raiha smiled. "All the girls are now crying and brandishing white handkerchiefs everywhere, and guess what, you're pretty much missed by the boys too. Wonder what that means… Recca-san, Fuuko-san, Yanagi-san and Domon-san all take turn to guard you, you know. They pose themselves at the door; you don't understand, do you? All of them love you, love the quiet ice man in their team. Your fans, they are all clamoring to be let in… Fuuko just told them to leave their erm… condolences… But you mustn't be angry with her. She's like that…"

Mikagami did not move, did not hear. Raiha looked at him dolefully, then sighed. "Why did you do this again…? You were covered in blood when I found you, looking worse than before. You've already lost so much blood, and this time…" Raiha sighed again. "Then almost had to put you in the ICU. You know, the needle broke inside your wrist. It looked so grotesque… you _minced_ your beautiful hand…"

No response. Raiha was not expecting any, but the hollow feeling inside him increased. He wrenched his eyes away from the deathly pale figure on the bed, unable to watch anymore. Unable to compare him with the Mikagami with wits that could bite, with the smirk that could kill. Incomprehensible anger surged.

He stood up, and gave Mikagami a baleful look. Bitterly, he stated, "You made Yanagi-san cry, Mikagami. You made her cry."

Then the door clicked shut. He was gone.

Dead blue eyes opened.

The world was still turning, he was still alive, Mifuyu was still not there.

---

The next day

Raiha walked down the now-familiar corridor, and opened the cream-colored door. He stepped inside softly, and pulled aside the bedside curtain.

The needle of the drip hung suspended from the transparent tube. The sheets were thrown off and crumpled.

Mikagami was not there.

Raiha dropped the bunch of flowers in his hands, on the cold and empty bed, and ran out.

---

When the wild search for the missing patient ended, it was already late into the night. The Hokage combed the all their usual hangouts and where Mikagami was likely to go, even the National Library. Ganko was left at home, tuning in to the news channel, keeping an ear out for news of… deranged madman or… violent suicide accidents. Fuuko's mother accompanied the frightened little girl.

Raiha trudged down the corridor leading to his hostel room, and pushed in the key. He turned, but heard no click. The lock was not in place. Someone had been there before.

Raiha could have smashed his head against the wall. Of all places they had searched, the hostel had not been checked even once. Raiha pushed the door open and stepped in quietly. He walked softly to the figure on the bed. There was no blood this time.

He was sure his presence was felt, but there was no response.

"Mikagami-san."

He did not move. Raiha's eyes moved to the framed picture by the boy's head, which he was gazing at. The blue eyes were dead, and nothing, not even sadness remained. Raiha kneeled down by the bedside, and took away the picture slowly. Pale hands reached out and clutched at the chipped clay; Raiha did not move his hand. Mikagami's eyes fixed themselves intensely on the photo, but he did not speak.

The object was held in midair for minutes, Mikagami clinging, Raiha not pulling it out of his grasp. Then the latter let go. Mikagami clutched the photo to his chest, and dropped back onto the bed, murmuring soft words to the ink in the picture, to the image of a girl who died more than half a decade ago.

Raiha felt the rage creep up him.

He took the young man's shoulders and hauled him up from the bed, and hopefully from the dark recesses of his mind. Mikagami's head lolled limply to the side, his eyes still gazing adoringly and sadly at the memory of his sister.

Raiha studied his roommate's eyes with rare anger. Then without another word, he threw the uncaring youth back onto the bed, not very gently, utterly disgusted.

He picked up the phone to inform the rest.

---

After Raiha had managed to convince the Hokage that Mikagami was fine, and there was no need to storm his place, Raiha sat himself down on his own bed, and prepared himself to stay awake for the night, to guard the half-gone friend. Mikagami did not take any notice of him, did not even move. They stayed like that, the ninja sitting at attention, the swordsman curled up in bed, for a long silent siege.

Quiet.

Crickets singing.

A door slammed.

Crickets stopped singing

Quiet.

Then finally, piercing through the thick tension, was the first light of dawn.

"You don't need to guard me like that." The voice was hoarse.

Raiha did not reply immediately. He continued gazing at the motionless form like how he had done for the past few hours, with emotionless eyes, like he was possessed by the Raijin.

"I won't try anything else."

No response.

More silence.

The time went by.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

There was a rhythm somewhere.

Then Raiha got up and went into the bathroom. "You can talk to me if you want."

A slow smile spread across Mikagami's pale face, then it died, and became as cold as his eyes. "What do you know…? What do you know, Raiha?"

"Not enough, but I can learn," came the voice from inside the bathroom.

"Learn… some things are not meant to be learnt. You have to feel." The smile flickered again.

"Maybe that's why you're going mad."

"Maybe. A madman doesn't know what draws the line between sanity and madness, and thus I don't."

"Why do you torture yourself like that? Self-pity? Being a martyr? Do you really think you miss and love your sister that much?" Raiha opened the bathroom door, but he did not step out. He crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe. "Fool."

"So you say. I admit." Mikagami chuckled. "But this self-deception is just a way to console myself; it's ironic. By normal _humane_ standards I should have gotten over my rage and grief long ago. Everyone has a point where they start anew…"

"And I think you don't want to. You make yourself believe you don't want to."

"Yeah, I don't want to." A pause. "You've seen the book I've been carrying around? Seen that elegy? That's what I want to do, move round and round in a circle, in the memories. Because I'm afraid that when I tear myself away, I'll forget this rage and love. And then, there'll be nothing left in my life, like there is nothing now."

"So Meguri is dead and you still hate him…" Raiha murmured, low voice hinting sadness.

Mikagami laughed, and shook his head. "There, I said you won't understand. Run along now, you've school to attend."

Raiha did not move. "Why didn't you try to kill yourself again? I was beginning to think you found it fun. Why not try it again, until you succeed?" His voice was dry, bordering on scorn. "After all, besides the wrists, there is always the neck."

Mikagami rolled onto his back, and fixed his eyes on the never changing white ceiling.

"I don't want Yanagi to cry."

I don't want to see Mifuyu cry.

---

Later in the day, the Hokage met up with Raiha, and he informed them of Mikagami's condition. Recca announced that he was taking Domon and Yanagi along to visit him. Raiha took it as concern, though the flame master looked more like he was about to skin and carve someone.

Fuuko and Raiha were left, and Fuuko sighed, starting to walk towards home. She felt a little more comforted when the ninja caught up with her, and started making conversation. They talked while they walked, walked and talked, and Fuuko found herself slowing down her pace, trying to prolong the journey back. She would have scorned the act, long ago, seeing it as nothing more than something out of ordinary giggly schoolgirls. She was thoroughly disgusted with herself.

However, her footsteps were still slowing down.

There was comfortable silence between them, until- "WHACK!!" Raiha slapped his fist into his other palm. Fuuko jumped.

"What?"

Raiha turned to her and beamed goofily. "Are you in a hurry to get home?"

"No," Fuuko shrugged. Not at ALL…

"One of the girls in my class told me there's a theme park nearby…"

You mean a horde of them clinging onto your leg and trying to date you, Fuuko thought dryly, while letting a little smile flit across her face. "Yeah, I've heard about it too." In fact, it's been there since when I was thirteen.

"So…" Raiha took her hand. "Wanna go?"

She shrugged again, and grinned. "Why not?" Why not ask earlier?

"Right, it's just a little way off. I'll lead the way."

Raiha gave her hand a little tug, indicating for her to follow. Fuuko fell in step beside him, recalling some time back when she had flat out rejected Domon when he asked her along to an amusement park. _"Pah! Forget it, Domon. Compared to this, I'm more interested in the race course."_

Yeah, right.

---

The door to the hostel room was flung open and Recca sauntered in, hands in his pocket. Yanagi followed him, her head bowed. Domon, right at the back, craned his neck to try to get a glimpse of the still shape on the bed. Yanagi's heartbeat quickened, suddenly fearing that Raiha had been wrong and Mikagami still had every intention to make himself dead.

But as she approached her senior, she saw that he was all right, still breathing. He did not turn to look at them, nor did he acknowledge their presence in any other ways. His head was turned to the wall, and the blanket had been untidily drawn up to wrap around his whole body, like a cocoon. Recca stood by the bedside and just looked, Domon beside him. A vein popped out on his cheek. He gave the bed a kick. "Hey, getup! Oi! Do you know how worried hime was when she found out you were missing from the hospital? Did you know we searched all over the city for you? Hey! Say something!" Recca gave the bed another violent kick. "Do you know while you were lying here comfortably like a good-for-nothing pig, hime has been _crying_?"

Yanagi pulled Recca back frantically. "Don't, Recca-kun… don't scold him anymore. Please…"

Recca gave the unresponsive lump a baleful glare. Yanagi gestured for them two to wait outside for a moment. "I want to talk to Mikagami-sempai alone, please."

When the two left to stand outside the room, Yanagi knelt down beside the bed and smiled apologetically, at the unseeing back, not knowing what else to do. "I'm sorry, sempai. Recca-kun isn't half as angry as he seems… Do you know he's very concerned and worried about you? All of us are… you don't know, do you? You think you're still alone, don't you?"

No reply.

"Well, all of us CARE, sempai," Yanagi said forcefully, her voice starting to crack. "Even Raiha-kun, _especially_ Raiha-kun. Have you ever looked into his eyes before? Have you seen the little scars that are so blatant yet inconspicuous? I don't know why, but he cares a lot about you. Maybe he himself doesn't know it."

Mikagami did not even twitch.

"I'm not too sure about Raiha-kun and his feelings, but I know Recca-kun, and he's angry. Not at you making me cry, but you committing such a silly act like suicide. Yes, it's _silly_. He told me he thought you would be the last one in Hokage to ever take your own life - he thought you would be too smart for that! _We_ thought you would be too smart for that! WHY? Why did you do it? _I_ thought you were too smart for that!" Yanagi burst out in tears, and she put her head down on the soft bed to muffle her cries.

It was perhaps a few short minutes later, when she felt a gentle hand wipe away the tears on her cheeks. She looked up, startled. Mikagami turned his head away from her again, and muttered hoarsely, "Please don't cry… Yanagi-chan…"

The tired young man was surprised to find someone fling her arms around him, and hugging him tight. "Sempai! You're talking! You're talking!!"

"Yeah…" Mikagami muttered dryly. Then after a while of Yanagi's crying, he said, "I know all of you care. I'm not blind. The obstacle is myself, and even I don't know how to fix it. So don't feel too bad, okay? Shh… don't cry now, all right?"

Yanagi sniffed several times then nodded.

"You better go. Or that monkey…" Mikagami turned away.

"Okay… take care, Mikagami-sempai… I'll be back to see you tomorrow." Yanagi stood up and smiled, then, she was out of the door. Mikagami heard some exclamations from outside, followed by the shuffling of footsteps. When it was all quiet, he reached out a hand and pulled the picture from the shelf onto his bed. He could see part of himself in the picture, as the smiling face without the smile.

Tokiya Mikagami rarely looked at his own features. He hated his own looks; they were a reminder of his sister, and what a pathetic coward her death had left behind. Worse of all, he reminded himself of a monster Mifuyu, with hard cold eyes and a face without the muscles required to smile. A bile and hateful monster.

He got up, and changed into his tank top and long pants. He wanted to go somewhere, somewhere where he could see the creature inside of him, the failure of the Mikagami family. He placed the picture of his sister back onto the shelf, and his eyes caught another photo.

Mikagami stared at it for a few silent moments. It was the picture they took after the Urabatousatsujin… The voice of Yanagi came back to him, and he sighed, with something close to sadness. He really was not blind. He knew…

Much as he would not have liked to admit, he knew, that the Hokage were all ready to kill and die for him, if there was the need for that to be. He knew, that Yanagi would never be anything more than a friend who still addresses his name with a _sempai_ attached to it. He knew, that they were all the family to him now, now that the days were constantly missing someone he once had.

What he did not know was what he would do if they, too, left him.

---

Fuuko mentally groaned and wondered just how much of her pride was there left to be salvaged. Raiha cheerfully hummed to the tune of Rhythm Of the Rain until they reached the theme park. Raiha suddenly stopped and turned, causing Fuuko to bump into him. He Smiled, and announced, "We have exactly two and a half hours to enjoy ourselves before the sun sets."

"Lovely…" Fuuko muttered loudly, trying to appear at least sarcastic. The bad thing was she knew she failed disastrously. The good thing was Raiha did not seem to notice. "Raiha, trust me, I'm not a good company to a _theme park_, so don't expect too much."

Raiha laughed. "Fuuko-san… I believe I'd need you more than ever here. I've never been to… this kind of place before."

"Don't you ever go out of the Uruha's den, wherever it is- was?"

"Nope. That's why I need you to accompany me today. Just let me know what's it like to be a teenager, okay?" he winked. "So where shall we go first?"

Fuuko turned away, and pretended to be contemplating. The fact was that she was afraid her face might be sizzling. "Lemme see… let's do the standard thing."

"Standard thing?"

"Hey, what's a visit to a theme park without a roller coaster ride?!"

--

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Fuuko screamed, the air rushing out of her lungs at a satisfyingly fast rate. Raiha looked at her in amusement, as the wind blew his hair back, and wondered what she was yelling at.

The roller coaster came to an abrupt stop, and the two were thrown forward. Fuuko stopped her screaming and sagged back into the seat, laughing. She opened the door and tumbled out of the car, followed by a more sedate Raiha. Grinning, Fuuko exclaimed, "It's still the best ride around here."

Raiha smiled back, and patted her head. "It's not that scary, right?"

"Is that why you've been so seriously staring at me throughout my whole tirade? Have you any idea how comical you looked?" Fuuko chuckled, recalling the one quiet person among all the other noisy people.

"Do I look that stupid?" Raiha beamed good-naturedly, like he had just received a medal for The Dumbest (pun intended) Person On A Roller Coaster.

"You look stupider now," Fuuko broke into another round of laughter. When she had collected herself, she put her hands on her hips and asked, "What now? More roller coaster? Ice cream? Ferris wheel?"

Raiha looked around, and noticed something. "Let's go to the haunted house."

--

Fuuko did not even flinch as a skeleton dropped itself from the ceiling and dangled in front of her. She gave it a hefty kick and it flew back to where it belonged, with a… bone-shattering crash. Raiha winced, half-amused. Screams came from behind them, and Raiha absently deduced that some girl had met up with the werewolf Fuuko booted a while ago.

"This is a perfectly HORRIBLE place!" Fuuko scowled, clawing fiercely at some cotton-wool cobweb that was so unfortunate as to get entangled in her hair.

"Surely you don't mean the monsters, Fuuko-san," Raiha said.

"I so very solemnly mean them, Raiha, and I'm going to be funeral-serious soon if they continue popping out of nowhere!" Fuuko growled, and jumped as some speaker beside her cackled like witch and crow combined, with the crow chomping the witch's butt. "I tell you, if we don't come to the end of this stupid tunnel in five minutes, I'm going to blow my way out."

"Calm down, Fuuko-san, calm down…" Raiha held up his hands peacefully. "Don't get so worked up over this kind of minor things…"

Fuuko turned and glowered at him in the dark. "I TOLD you I'm not good company for a theme park, so don't you DARE to complain. And this goddamn cackle is GETTING ON MY NERVES!!!!"

Fuuko stormed ahead, greatly irritated. The earlier schoolgirl-on-an-impromptu-date mood had been stepped on and mercilessly crushed. The whole atmosphere of the 'date' had been ruined by the highly incompatible environment. Fuuko growled venomously, not knowing whether to be glad. Raiha caught up with her and tried to slow her down. Fuuko turned on him a second time, voice dangerously low, "Raiha… I am _not_ going to faint in your arms or anything… so you can stop hoping…"

Raiha blinked. "Why would I want you to faint in my arms?"

Fuuko started, then realized what she had said. And blushed. Oh shit oh shit oh SHIT!!!! "Er… er… I didn't say anything you must have heard wrongly you didn't clean your ears properly I think we can go back now it's real late you know my mum told me not to stay out late the haunted house is real irritating and no I didn't say anything so don't think you heard anything and even if you think you heard anything don't think you've heard anything because you've heard the wrong thing."

She finished that in one impressive breath that left Raiha stunned. The two stood unmoving in the midst of howling and screeching. The atmosphere was **awkward and tense**. Then as the effects wore off, Raiha fidgeted uncomfortably. "I really wasn't hoping you would faint, you know… because if you did, I won't know where to carry you off to…"

Fuuko sweatdropped. But the embarrassment is not on this issue… Her inner groans were unheard, as she mourned for her crush's senile brain reflexes. "Please, Raiha… let's just get out of here."

Raiha was thoroughly confused, but let it drop, and the two proceeded on the journey out of the haunted house. When they were finally in fresh air once again, Raiha asked, "Did I do something wrong, Fuuko-san?"

Fuuko stopped, took a deep breath, let out the deep breath, and sighed. "Nope, nothing."

Raiha had a deep feeling in his guts that it must have something to do with his **always-inappropriate reactions**. But luckily, he let it go, and looked around for more subjects of interests. And of course, the traditional ice cream store. Beaming, be tugged a mildly surprised Fuuko along to the little store set up at the edge of the park, supplying life-saving ice cream.

"Eh? What do you want, Raiha?"

"May I have the honor to compensate for my foolish mistakes with a vanilla ice cream for my lady?" he bowed, with a flourish of the hand towards the little worn down stall. The old granny serving the customers smiled at them knowingly, and mumbled something about young people. Fuuko felt heat rising to her face, and clenched her teeth. Get down to EARTH, Fuuko Kirisawa… you're an UTTER DISGRACE!!!

She forced a smile at the old woman, and chose a coffee flavor with hot fudge. Raiha stood aside, watching her like a guardian angel, while she took her time picking the toppings. The granny handed Fuuko her ice cream, and Raiha paid for it. While he was being handed the change, he thought he heard the granny murmur something like 'ganbatte'. Unsure, he could only grin awkwardly, half in embarrassment.

"Erm… Raiha? Got a tissue or something?"

Raiha turned to his date at once, and exclaimed at the horrendous sight that greeted him. "Fuuko-san, are you alright???!!!!!!!! (O.O)"

Fuuko half shied away from his enthusiasm. "Yeah… I'm very sure I am… it's only chocolate fudge on my hand, you know."

"But the fudge is HOT, Fuuko-san! It'll leave a mark on your hand!" Raiha fussed.

"Yeah, and guess what? It'll help if you can get me a tissue paper or something now," Fuuko replied dryly. Raiha pulled out a white handkerchief, took her hand, and tenderly wiped the offending bit of chocolate off, little by little. His touch was gentle, so much that Fuuko barely felt the caress of the touch on her skin. A warm fuzzy feeling spread in her guts, and perhaps that was the reason why she suddenly pulled her hand away roughly. "I'm all right now."

Raiha was surprised. "Did I hurt you?"

"Raiha…" Fuuko tried to be patient, stepping and crushing all her wild thoughts. "If I can battle against Recca's dragons, I don't see how chocolate fudge can hurt me."

"Okay…" Raiha was hurt, and it showed plainly. Fuuko noticed, and felt bad. Hey, he's only helping you… you don't have to step on him like that… "Sorry… I didn't mean that…"

Raiha shrugged. "It's okay…"

"Come on… I apologized… it's just… I'm not used to people being so nice to me." Fuuko, curiously meek, tugged at his sleeve. "Smile, Raiha! Let's go to the mirror house!"

And Raiha was dragged off.

---

He took a step into the place. He had always loved the many many mirrors that were all around. It had always been empty, rather unattractive, compared to the rest of the theme park. But he thought it was beautiful, the way you can see yourself everywhere you turn. Through one mirror, if the angle was right, you could see what was going on behind the wall you were leaning on.

Kagami, mirror. His last name carried the meaning of that, mirror. It was fitting, he mused, as he walked slowly forward, step after step, lift a leg, move it forward, put it down, continue, repeat. The building was covered with mirrors, everywhere, especially as you venture further inside. It was easy to get lost, but he had long memorized every path of the place. Kagami… mirror… mirror house, where you get to see lots of mirrors. He chuckled.

It was one place where he could get to see himself properly, without having to search, dig, or attempt to remember.

He found his usual corner, at the very back, and sat down, slowly. He was tired. And then he just sat there, staring into the reflection of himself all around, the pathetic boy that had cowered in fear, _immobilized_, while his sister took the knife and his death for him.

And as usual, he, always the coward, started to cry.

---

"Have you been in here before?" Raiha inquired, looking around slowly in interest. There were mirrors of all shapes covering every inch of the walls, and some of which were those funny ones that twist your reflection. There was no one besides them there, and it was quiet, for a part of a theme park.

"Yes. Once, when… when Mikagami and Recca fought, right here, in this place. It was all blasted up and in the news, but they rebuilt it. The police could not find any evidences of what started the fire and caused the big wreckage. I guess that's why most people avoid it nowadays. There's a rumor running around that this is the headquarters for a bunch of guerillas," Fuuko laughed.

"Oh? Why were Mikagami-san and Recca-san fighting?" Raiha's ears perked up. "The last time I saw them seriously at loggerheads were over Yanagi-chan was at the battle with Uruha Oto…"

Fuuko stared at him for a moment, with a blank look on her face.

"What's the matter?" Raiha asked, looking at one of his reflections to make sure nothing was on his face.

"Nothing," Fuuko looked away. "It's just that I've noticed you are very concerned with matters that involve Mikagami. Always."

"Am I?" Raiha wondered aloud, then grinned. "And why are you so affected by that?"

"I'm _not_," Fuuko retorted. The comment had hit right in the heart of her conscience. "Anyway, they were _again_ fighting over Yanagi. Mikagami has this stupid idea that with every second that Yanagi-chan stays near Recca, the possibility of her getting murdered increases. At that time, he saw Kagerou as the threat. She was our enemy before… so… yeah, that's about it."

"Who won?"

"Recca of course, else he won't be irritating us all right now," Fuuko snorted. "But Mikagami was the one who was able to walk away with a straight back that day. Recca just collapsed, and even needed Yanagi to give him blood."

"I saw that part. Kurei-sama's spies taped that down."

"Personally… I don't think Mikagami was serious there… there were just so much of his skills that were not made use of… Why am I yakking to you about him anyway?" Fuuko paused in front of a mirror that stretched her entire reflection. Raiha laughed and joined her.

They spent their next hour wandering around and getting lost, then finding the right route just to get lost again. The interior was larger when a person was inside, instead of just estimating the size from the outside. They were just strolling along in one of the passages, when Fuuko felt a hand close over her own. She was quite sure her whole body stiffened, but victoriously squashing the uneasiness in her, she did not shake Raiha's hand off.

No conversation ensued for quite some time; they just turned here and there in the maze, sometimes passing the same place over and over again without noticing. Time was not an issue too. It flew, without their realizing, and gradually, their paths grew closer to each other.

Fuuko always felt threatened when Raiha showed any signs of affection towards her. She did not know why; it was not like that with Domon - she just booted him off to the sky. That did not work with Raiha very well, she had observed. But at that moment, Raiha's hand felt warm and reassuring. Fuuko smiled to herself, inside.

"Fuuko… do you know how to get out of here?" Raiha asked, as they reached the passage and were challenged by a fork into three paths. "I think I should send you back home now, it's already quite late." He tapped his watch for emphasis.

"Oh… all right then. There's _got_ to be a way out if we look for it seriously. Hey, you're a ninja aren't you? How can you get lost in a _mirror house_?" Fuuko teased, even as disappointment settled in her. Happiness was always over too soon.

"Hey, I was just thinking you'd like to stay for a longer time!" Raiha defended himself. "From this fork, take the right path and take the middle from the next fork and we'll be out. I've been taking care of where I'm leading you into, you know."

"All right, all right," Fuuko grinned, then sobered. "Erm… I… want to… thank you, for today. It's been fun to come out wit-"

Her next words were unspoken as soft lips pressed over hers and she responded this time. "Thank you… today's been happy…" Raiha murmured into Fuuko's mouth. He pulled her close, and they stayed like that, for a very long time… blissful in the presence of no one but each other.

---

He saw them through the mirrors on the floor. Watched, through dead eyes. Watched them until they grew tired of standing and went back home. Not a hair moved, not until long after they were gone. Only when the air was stale with silence, and the mirrors started to grow cold as the sun set, did the corners of his mouth curl into a cold, cold smile.

"Sweet, aren't they?"

---

Raiha looked up. "You're back."

Mikagami went into the bathroom and shut the door.

"You've been crying," Raiha remarked, deliberately insensitive. No reply, except for the sounds of splashing water. "You should still be resting, Mikagami, and not wandering around like that… you are very clear that you should still be in the hospital on a drip, aren't you?"

The door swung open and Mikagami came out with half of his hair wet like his face. he crawled into his covers and pulled them over his head. Raiha untangled himself from his own blankets and went over to Mikagami's bedside. He gave the body a little shake. It could have been dough he was pushing.

Exasperated, Raiha could do nothing but turn off the lights, and go to sleep.

---

He was petrified. Scared, scared of the blood, the loss, and the fear_. Kneeling beside his sister, in a place where there were mirrors all around, and there were blood on the mirrors and in the mirrors. He was everywhere, his sister's death was everywhere, and the walls started to close in, all the blood and reminder of his loss started to close in on him._

And he was scared, so scared, so he screamed. The scream, with its fear_, tore through all, the quiet, the mirrors, the images, the reflections, the blood, the death, the loss, the coward, the darkness, the pain, the voices, the memories, the laughter, the madness, the bitter, the anger, the hatred, the mind, the everything._

---

Raiha awoke, startled. The voice was painfully loud, holding something that made his hair stand. He jumped up at once, and realized with plain shock that it was Mikagami's voice that was screaming, at the edge of breaking. The emotion in it scared him, and he rushed over at once, pulling back his roommate's covers.

Oh shit… now what…?

Mikagami was curled up tightly, fists clenching on the white sheets until they were around the same color. His body was perspiring heavily, the sweat soaking into the sheets already. Raiha knelt down on the bed and pulled Mikagami up, and shook him hard, trying to get him awake, away from the demons, _his_ demons. The scream continued, and beat against Raiha's eardrums, until his face twisted into a grimace involuntarily. His voice was growing hoarse, and its initial strength was diminishing. Raiha was not glad. The naked terror consumed the desperate shrieks, intensifying incredibly with each passing second. He raised a hand and slapped Mikagami hard.

Damn… he's not responding to it… "Come on, Mikagami, wake _up_!" Raiha muttered as he slapped him again.

There was absolutely no response to the pain if it even registered. His eyes were squeezed shut, like light would kill him. Tears ran down his cheeks and dropped onto his bare forearms. The flesh under Raiha's hands was cold, as were the perspiration. He shook the manic man more, rougher, and desperately hoped Mikagami would wake up before he lapsed into convulsion. He had seen previous cases of terror before, the kind of terror at the brink of death, but this… this was beyond fear for life. This is… seven years of stress all released at one go…

Raiha felt himself getting more and more alarmed. The last of the voice broke off, sharply, but Mikagami's mouth was still open, his throat still screaming, his mind still screaming, screaming in plea for the relief that had never been there for him for the past seven years. Raiha let go of Mikagami, and let him fall back onto the bed. His hands, white and cold, clawed at the sheets, and tore it apart in an instant. Raiha could hear the silent loud voice, a soft static at the back of the throat. And that soft static was going to produce blood soon, Raiha knew, if Mikagami continued to strain his voice cords any longer.

Damn… damn… Please don't make me do this… wake up, Mikagami… please… _please_…

And for once in his life, the ninja was at a loss for what to do. He looked at his hand, then at the crying and suffering young man on the bed. His eyes closed, and Raiha moved his hand down, down, until it was positioned over the throat of the tortured boy. Was that the end? Was that all he could do for him?

NO!!!!!!!!! I'VE SAVED HIM ONCE AND HE'S NOT GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!! Raiha clenched his fists tightly. He could not stand seeing the agony Mikagami was going through, but there was nothing he could do if he would not wake up. This was what others called 'one's own battle' and 'no one can help him; he only has himself'. Raiha saw stupidity in that favorite saying. He was not going to let Mikagami destroy himself. If he won't come round…

He was about to apply pressure on Mikagami's carotid artery when his body suddenly went lax, and he just lay there, not moving any more. Raiha's heart went cold. He put his finger on his friend's pulse at once, and, thankfully, it was beating. Damn… it's so weak… Why? How can a nightmare do this to him?

But Mikagami himself was a mystery, and Raiha saw no sense in puzzling about it. He did not want to send the boy to hospital again. There was so much there that unnerved him, and gut instinct told him that he would regret any more acquaintances with the white, life-saving building. He picked up Mikagami, who seemed so small and inadequate at that moment, and moved both of them onto his own bed.

Mikagami's perspiration had really made wet the sheets, to a near impossible extent. Raiha carefully tucked Mikagami in then sat down beside him on the bed. Everything was quiet again. The clamor outside had subsided. Many people had been awoken by the noise, Raiha now noted. He spent the next half-hour monitoring his pulse, and staring at the tired face that flinched every so often. People always said a person looked the most innocent and unguarded in his sleep. Raiha only agreed with the 'unguarded' part. The profile he had been gazing at only showed weariness. From what, Raiha did not even want to imagine.

It was after a while, when Raiha was satisfied with the stronger pulse, that he began to notice the increasing speed of Mikagami's falling temperature. His body felt colder than it should be, and Raiha frowned. He wrapped the blanket closer around the slender body, and brushed back some of the, for once, untidy hair. Raiha's face softened. The beauty of the face under his hands did not escape his eyes…

Raiha withdrew his hand. Stupid stupid!! () You should be thinking of how to wake him up! He'll die if he lapses into that hysterical state again!

But Raiha did not want to disturb the seeming peace Mikagami was sleeping with. So he settled back and contented himself watching him sleep, without a single desire to rest himself. He could just cringe in pain when he wondered about the number of times that Mikagami had pulled himself through the night without anyone beside for support. And… just how much of his resting time was consumed by that kind of… wild madness? Is that why he won't sleep with me around?

Raiha sighed, and leaned back against the wall. The luminous hands of the clock showed 3 am exactly. He sat there, as the slow hands of the clock went once around…twice… kept on going. Mikagami grew more relaxed and perspired less as the time went by. Raiha constantly checked his temperature, and pulled the blankets closer to him when he tossed in a moment of fitfulness. And sometimes, when he was not paying attention, his hand would just reach out to gently caress the smooth cheeks or brush back some hair. Raiha seriously wondered what was going on with him.

It was maybe three hours later when Mikagami opened his eyes. Raiha's heart leapt.

"You're awake…" He moved from his position beside Mikagami until he was kneeling over the pale face.

"…"

"How do you feel?" Raiha asked, soft anxiety in his voice.

"…What did I do?" the voice that came out was hoarse and strained, barely a whisper.

"That's not important. How do you feel?" Raiha insisted.

"What did I do?" the voice was disappearing. Mikagami did not even seem surprised.

"You woke up screaming like you were in hell then fell unconscious, okay? Now tell me how you feel," Raiha asked, impatient and annoyed that Mikagami did not seem concerned with his physical conditions.

"As usual." Mikagami turned away onto his side.

Raiha sighed. What could he do now? "Do you want to go to the hospital? You don't look too good to me."

"None of your business."

Raiha was quiet. Then, daringly, he asked, "Tell me what you saw. Tell me what is it that scared you like that."

Mikagami stiffened. "Nightmare. Everyday business."

"Literally?"

"Shut up and let me sleep."

"I won't until you tell me what's wrong. Is it… about your sister?" Raiha asked gently.

Mikagami tried blocking out the deceiving voice, the voice that sound like it _cared,_ cared about the damn virus that was running in him. "Know when to respect one's privacy, Raiha," Mikagami hissed, his body starting to tremble again, but this time, it was with anger.

"Not if respecting your privacy will kill you," Raiha said firmly, and pulled Mikagami into a sitting position. He did not even struggle. In fact, he did not look like he had the strength to move.

"You want to know? Fine, I'll tell you! I've been dreaming about neesan, okay? You know those happy dreams? Those that make you feel everything is alright? Yeah, that's what I feel! I feel perfectly blissful in my dream, living with Mifuyu, until Meguri comes along and WHAM! Everything's gone," Mikagami raised his voice, then fell into a fit of coughs. "Leave me alone."

"Tell me, tell me everything now! How long can you keep it inside you? How many more of these nightmares can you go through before you break? Tell me everything!" Raiha half-plead.

Mikagami really wanted to give in, give in to that voice with the kindness that he had not tasted for so many, many years. Even if everything was a lie… even if he was going to regret it afterwards…

"What can I say? It's all about my sister… about how she died…"

"Can't you forget…?" Raiha asked gently. "Can't you forget the hatred? She'll be disappointed that you ended this way… from what I know, her last words were for Ensui to protect you… isn't it? To her death, she still puts your interests in priority. Ensui is for protecting, not for killing or revenging."

"You're right," Mikagami said flatly. "But I'm sorry, sorry to her. I can't forget the pain… can't forget her death." He smiled vacantly. "And of course, the nightmares do their part for the reminding. Do you know what it feels like?" He laughed. "Do you know what it feels like, Raiha? Every night… to see her get killed every night by the alter ego of the second person I've respected and loved." Mikagami leaned his forehead into his palms. Raiha's heart clenched and wondered whether he was crying. "Every night I see her die…"

Raiha was quiet as his eyes searched the hunched profile. "But do you really want the nightmares to go away?"

There was a brief chuckle, then a sad reply. "I don't know."

Raiha waited for him to go on.

Mikagami brushed his bangs back and secretly rubbed away the tears. "I don't know anymore, Raiha."

"Why?" Raiha prompted softly.

"Because… because those are the only clear memories I have of her," Mikagami whispered, through the constriction of his chest. "Because I don't remember anything else anymore."

The tears started to fall freely, as Mikagami stared blankly out of the window, at the psychedelic moon far, far away from the reality of life. The wind moved in, and Mikagami's hair was blown back. A few strands touched Raiha's face, and he was once again struck by how stunning Mikagami looked, even with tears running down his cheeks. Raiha found himself moving closer to him and putting a reassuring arm around the slender shoulders.

The young man, with tears borne from the toil of time, did not even flinch. Raiha was shocked, really shocked, when he felt him tremble under his supportive hold. The thin frame now looked smaller without the air of arrogance… painfully small…

"I try so hard to hold together the memories, and yet they still slip… It's pathetic! Now that she's gone, the only thing I want to protect is what's left of her, and I still _fail_." It would have been a howl, but Mikagami's voice broke halfway and he started hacking again. Something of the unmovable control inside him broke, and he sobbed openly into his hands. Raiha could no longer take the pain. He got onto his knees and gathered the shaking boy into his arms.

The tears drenched Mikagami's hands and dripped down, one by one, onto Raiha's arms around his waist. A part of Mikagami, the Ice Man, reminded him what an utter humiliation it was, to be even _seen_ crying, less in a stranger's arms. But the water had already broken through the unyielding dam, and the repressed words burst out, unable to be stopped anymore. "Now I'm so scared. I'm so scared that she will disappear from my mind completely. At night, I'll start _thinking_, and I'll get so frightened, so scared that I'll even forget her face, her NAME! Which is worse, Raiha? Seeing her die or letting her go bit by bit?" Mikagami clenched his teeth and tightened his fists, trying to stop himself from shaking. "Then I'll start to question my own sanity, and I'll get even more frightened, because then I'll loose control of my mind, and I know I'll forget her, FORGET THE ONE TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I'M HAPPY!!!"

Raiha nearly shrunk back at the savage cry. The tears and loud sobs leaked through the quivering hands. Raiha brushed the silver hair, which seemed more like gray at the moment, away from his face. He was surprised, when two hands snaked around his waist and Mikagami pulled himself closer to him.

The last supporting pillar had cracked and crumbled, bringing down the illusion that had been built and enforced on throughout the years. His friends should have seen it coming long ago, ever since the revelation of the betrayal by his master - should have seen the fatal speed at which the fragile mind had been racing at, the pieces that the delayed crash would leave behind.

Raiha pulled the grief and tears closer, embraced the sorrow and returned, in turn, comfort. "Cry… cry it all out…" he murmured.

"Now all I have are these dreams, these nightmares!" he croaked, through the lump in his throat. "I've got to face the coward in me every night, the coward who let his sister take his death for him. No matter how great an illusion I put up, he's still there… he still me…"

Then there was silence for the many many minutes that passed, broken by loud sobs and gasps. It took Mikagami more than a while to calm down, and when he did, his eyes were already red and swollen.

"Hard choice, isn't it? When ever I see her, it's always in some place peaceful and I get to spend a few happy hours with her… and then of course, the grand finale."

Raiha thought about all that he had said, then finally asked, "What do you think you need to overcome these?"

Mikagami released the tension in his body, and went limp in Raiha's arms, throwing away the last bit of dignity left. "What do I need? I don't know. I don't even know what I want."

Raiha waited for him to go on, as he himself squirmed into a more comfortable position.

"I guess all humans are born to search for and find love, acceptance. Look at Kurei, Kagerou, Koganei…"

And you. Raiha silently said. He wiped a tear away from Mikagami's face, gently. "So you think you're no different from them?"

"Why should I be?" was the tired reply.

"Now that they have all found their own forms of love, what about you? Have you wondered what are you doing this for, torturing yourself like that, bleeding and broken? You could have moved on with happy memories of your sister, instead of… being here this very second, crying to someone you barely know, and who now knows more about you than anyone else in this world."

Mikagami suddenly pushed Raiha away weakly and coughed. He crawled back to his pillow. "Let me sleep now. I've already answered your question. You can laugh at me when I'm sleeping. I don't care."

---

Raiha spent the whole night looking at the innocent sleeping face and the swollen eyelids that had never managed to block anything out from the eyes that had seen too much, far too much. Somewhere in the midst of his random thoughts of Mikagami, Fuuko's face popped out in his mind, and he smiled. She had been one to overcome all the loneliness, through all the friendship she picked up, shard by shard, bit by bit.

Raiha brushed away a lock of the silvery hair to get a better look at the beautiful face, the beautiful face never showed the scars in his heart.

What's happening…? What's happening to you, Raiha…?

---

That night, the same dream reoccurred again, as identical and prompt as before. But as the knife came down, there was someone behind the young Tokiya, someone who covered his eyes, and blocked out the blood, the death. Someone who cared.

Author's notes…

Sorry for the very, very boring chapter… *shame* The main things I focused on were

  1. (major) Let Mikagami get over Mifuyu (yeah… no more boring angst… *confetti*)
  2. Development of RaiFuu relationship. I was shuddering as I wrote those parts… can't stand RaiFuu… *shudderconvulse*

I know some of the chatacters are pretty much out of character, especially Fuuko. *bows head* That is my one big mistake that I don't know how to rectify. But I won't consider Raiha OOC, because of his split personality (or rather, the two sides of him) which is pretty fun to play with ^o^ That, of course, is according to the manga. (Have I said before? Everything here is according to the manga… more interesting…) Raiha is unbelievably out of it when he's possessed by the Raijin. I'm going for the Raiha between the ninja and the fool, when he's with Mikagami, and Raiha the fool when he's with Fuuko ^^

To Raydance-sempai: I'm SORRY ;_; *wails* I don't know how to compress a story into a two part thing, so I think… this is going to be multi-chaptered x_x forgive my uselessness… *kowtow*

________________________________________________________________________ 

Tentative preview for next chapter

Number 1:Mikagami starts to vying with Fuuko for Raiha O_o.

"Raiha likes purple."

"Yeah, and how do you know that?"

"You should see his undergarments…"

"WHATTTTT???!!!!!"

Number 2: What happens when Mikagami starts to vie with Fuuko O_o;;

"Mi-chan…." Fuuko gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. "What are you… doing_?"_

"Don't you have eyes?" Mikagami muttered, not even glancing at her.

"You're… baking… cakes…?"

Number 3: What happens when Fuuko starts vying back O.O;;;;

"Monkey…" Mikagami trailed off, and stared at the contents of the microwave.

"What?!" Fuuko snapped.

"You're not supposed to cook that in a microwave…"

"I have my own ways of cooking. Anyway, Raiha will like it like that."

Mikagami shrugged. "As you wish then. But don't say I didn't warn you. It'll-"

*KABOOM*

"-explode."

*tralala* ^^ a small preview… Okay, now I have two options and would like the readrs' opinions… do I continue this first, or my other fic, The Darker Side? (the fuutok one (keyword: fuutok) about the two being assassins) for TDS, I've only got to rewrite the first chapter (the prologue that I posted up is also a rewrite) so it'll take a shorter time, while for this fic's part 3, it's going to be take… long. For TDS, I can post up the second chapter as soon as I post up the first chapter, because the second chapter is already ready.

If you have any opinions, please chuck them in a review if you wish to do so, or you can always email me at [saturnforever@hotmail.com][1]

______________________________________________________________________________ 

Can't Let You Go is an original piece of work copyrighted to saturn de wicked™. Characters in this fan fiction are adapted from Flame of Recca without permission from their creator and are copyrighted to their respective owners.

This fan fiction is inspired by the song by Mikaila, My Heart Can't Let You Go.

© 2001 saturn de wicked

   [1]: mailto:saturnforever@hotmail.com



	3. Part Three

Can ****

Can't Let You Go

PART THREE

Baby blue eyes opened, with a trace of sleep, and blinked. Mikagami lay there for a second, taking in where he was, and the sensation that was so familiar yet so strange now. He felt warm, something he had not for a long time. Then it dawned on him that someone's arm was draped over his waist, and his side was pressed against the same person's body. His first reaction was to pull Ensui from his pocket, until he realized that it was not there, and he was wearing only his briefs.

The discovery made him tense up for a moment.

I'm unarmed, he slowly told himself. Someone has me trapped.

He paused.

And I'm on the bed.

Shit.

An unusual panic and anger seized him as his still pounding head fumbled for a plausible explanation for the alarming circumstances. Gradually, his mind cleared and relaxed a little, and he felt even breathing on his cheek, ever so soft, telling him that the other person was asleep. Muddled memories of the night before came back to him in a rush, and his mouth set itself into a grim line. To think he had said everything out… Maybe he should leave now, leave this place, leave the team. So that he would not ever have to see gossips of his weakness fly through the place. He smiled humorlessly. Maybe some part of him just did not want to see Raiha betray him.

Mikagami turned his head a little, to make sure the person holding him was really Raiha, and nearly shrank back when soft lips touch his, just ever so gently, just a brush past. Mikagami quickly turned back to face the ceiling, and swallowed the stiff lump in his throat. Damn.

It was a few seconds before he let out the breath he had been holding, slowly. The air escaped his lungs, and welcomed fresh air poured in. He closed his eyes wearily. For a few moments, he just lay there with the warm sunlight on his legs, and enjoyed the peace while feathery light breaths caressed his face. How long had it been…? How long had it been since he actually managed to wake up without any tears or screams?

It would hurt his head just to try counting.

Then the reality struck him and he slowly removed Raiha's reassuring arm from his waist. He was about to get off the shared bed when the arm patted around for the warmth it had lost, and caught Mikagami's leg as it moved. His breath caught in his throat. Raiha mumbled something, then that hand fell limp back onto the white sheets. Mikagami's shoulders sagged, though his relief was marred by a hint of haunting emptiness. His eyes lingered on the slender hand for longer than necessary, before he tore them away and went to wash himself up, ignoring the brief chill the air brought to his now exposed stomach.

The plunge into cold water sharply hauled his mind up from the bleary depths of slumber, and he drew a huge intake of breath that was released in a tired sigh. He showered and got rid of the sticky perspiration that clung on to his body. Mikagami noted with little surprise that his long fingernails were once again caked with blood, and long red lines ran along the pale skin of his body. He stood in the heart of the powerful shower and let the water pound on him as he carefully removed the dried blood on his nails, with a look in his eyes that was close to obsession.

When he next stepped back into the room, Raiha had shifted and now sprawled facedown on the mattress. Mikagami stared at him for a second too long before looking away. He was sure a flit of a smile had played on his roommate's lips for a moment. Mikagami frowned and went over to his own bed.

His mind drifted away from the half-naked ninja for a while as he stared at the mess he had made in the night. Impassive eyes took in the torn sheets and few bits of down that had come out of the pillow. Then he set to work to tidy up things as best as he could without any self-questioning. He had woken up in cold sweat before, but never had he destroyed things or done anything along the lines.

When everything came to semblance with the normal, he put on his school uniform and walked out of the hostel. The perfect mask was back again.

---

Raiha scurried down the corridor, the exact image of a schoolboy about to face detention. He ran the lines of excuses through his mind hurriedly, able to come up with no lies to explain his lateness. Ahhh!!!! What should I do? What should I do?!

Totally without anything close to dignity.

The Jyushinshuu would have disowned him.

How can Mikagami-san go out without waking me?!! He raced down the corridor, and flung open the door of his classroom. "SENSEI SUMIMASEN!!!" (_____)

Mikagami looked up calmly and met his eyes. Raiha blinked, then took in the empty classroom in confusion.

"It's break now, Raiha," Mikagami said evenly. He looked back down to what he was writing. From the corners of his eyes he could see Raiha slump into the seat beside him with a groan.

"You could have woken me up, Mikagami-san!" he added a reproachful tone to his voice. "Sensei will be so angry…"

Mikagami could have sworn Raiha actually felt uneasy. Instead of replying, he slowly put down his pen and reached into his bag for something. Standing up, he slid the book under Raiha's nose and stood there, waiting for his response. Raiha raised both eyebrows in surprise, then smiled. "This is a good thing, isn't it?"

He fingered the miniature silver lock on the book of elegies. Then book itself had two hoops on the sides of the front and back cover that allowed the locket to fit in elegantly. He handed the book back. "Ganbattekudasai ne, Mikagami-san."

Mikagami looked silently at the book in his hands for a moment before tucking it safely in his bag again. He nodded faintly to Raiha's encouragement before slipping back into his own world. Raiha peeked at his roommate from his peripheral vision. He did not seem to have changed much, he noted, with some disappointment in his heart. He had hoped there would be some signs of tension eased or the likewise…

"Quit staring."

"Go-gomenasai…" Raiha stuttered, taken aback and embarrassed that he had been caught.

They lapsed into silence again, until the first trickle of students began to return from break. Mikagami stared hard at the book he was writing in, not paying attention to his own words at all. He just did not know what to make of Raiha… he was just so strange, acting like nothing had happened. The grip on his pen tightened. But it did not matter. Tomorrow, and if rumors spread fast, today, everyone would know he was badly in need of a psychiatrist.

The lesson commenced, but it was Math, luckily, and he need not distract himself from his own thoughts. Betrayal… he should have gotten used to that by now. Everyone turned their backs, his parents, his relatives, his teacher, and even his sister…

But the prospect of Raiha added into the equation just hurt somehow… Mikagami closed his eyes.

So much…

---

He actually wanted to have a few words with Raiha before they parted for the day, just to let him know that nothing has changed and he was still the enemy and that Mikagami was not going to expect anything more from him than a resolution to leave him alone.

But just as he was about to speak to the purple-hair ninja, the door slammed open and a girl bounced in. All the remaining students all tensed at the sight of her, half of them cowering away. Mikagami slowly let out his breath and picked up his books, brushed past her and went out of the room.

People outside stared when they saw him. Word of his suicide had gotten around fast, and people were shocked, if not a little spooked, to see him back so soon. Mikagami let his eyes slid over their stares, and carried himself the way he usually would, cold and proud.

---

"Mi-chan is back to school so soon?" Fuuko frowned, directing the question at Raiha as she watched her teammate make his way calmly out of the class. She turned back to face him, who was just finishing his packing.

Raiha sighed. "I can't stop him. He was gone when I woke up this morning. He should go back to the hospital… they still need to make sure nothing went wrong with the blood transfusion…"

"Aurgh!" Fuuko waved her hand in dismissal. "Mi-chan can take care of himself all right. He'll be pissed if we interfere."

Raiha only nod his head mildly in reply, deep in thoughts.

"Oi! Earth to Raiha the dumbo!" Fuuko looped her arm through his and dragged him away from the classroom. "You're coming to my house today, Raiha," she said firmly. "I'm going to get you to try my cooking."

"Hmm?" Raiha made a questioning sound. "Why so sudden?"

"Don't worry, my mum's not going to be home until night, and my dad's not in the country. Only my brother will be there to chuck in his smart-alec comments. Peace, ninja!" she held out two v-signs in enthusiasm. Raiha could only smile in defeat. Her bubbly personality was contagious.

"The big bad wolf alone with Fuuko in an empty house?" he remarked lightly. "**Sounds good to me**."

He got a big bump on the head for that comment. "Big bad wolf's run into Red Riding Hood's descendants."

Raiha laughed, and followed Fuuko out of the school grounds. On the trip home, their paths were linked by the arm and Fuuko kept trailing off by the roadside, picking up tidbits and edibles here and there. Raiha did not utter a complaint throughout the trip, instead laughing with her when she found a new curio and bearing her grumbling when she kept stubbing her toes on the slightly uneven ground. Fuuko was completely relaxed in his presence, and he did not know what to feel about that.

So trusting… and yet I'm the enemy… he observed, as the wind girl's eyes lit up with amusement again. What will I do… the next time…?

The next time when orders were to kill the smile, the next time when orders were to betray her, the next time orders were to run the blood out with his own two hands.

"Hey! Stop drifting off like that! This is an insult to me!" Fuuko exclaimed, planting an arm on the hip.

Raiha smiled in reply, as he slid back to the real world. She looked so alive, everyday, and it was hard to imagine her lifeless body, no matter how hard he tried.

"Okay, now we need to actually buy stuff. Stuff to coo~ook with." Fuuko's grip on his arm tightened as she dragged him into the cool air of the supermarket. "No time to go to the fish market, so just make do with this, okay?"

Raiha tagged along obediently, as Fuuko wandered amongst the various vegetables. She grabbed a basket from nearby and finally let go of his arm in favor of the green leaves. Raiha watched in amusement as she stormed the place, randomly fishing out cabbage and the likes. Shaking his head, he secretly wondered to himself whether she could cook at all.

"Are you sure she won't burn the house down?" a quiet voice said behind him. Raiha jumped, having not sense the person in the midst of the crowd.

"Mikagami-san!" he breathed, the surprise wearing off. "Don't scare me like that."

Mikagami's eyes were fixed on the whistling Fuuko, as she tossed a bunch of lotus roots back to their basket. "What…" he murmured. "Is she doing…?"

"Mikagami-san!" Raiha replied in mirth. "I believe Fuuko-san knows what she's doing. What are you doing here?"

Mikagami gave him a slanted gaze. Yeah… I'm sure she's a great cook… He did not voice out his thoughts, instead, held up his own basket of groceries. "Buying for tonight's dinner." He paused, with a bit of hesitation, then asked, "Are you coming back to eat today?"

Raiha blinked, then finally digested the meaning of Mikagami's question. He flushed, embarrassed, then said, "I'm sorry, Mikagami-san. I'm… joining Fuuko-san for dinner."

Mikagami's expression did not change. He shot the unknowing Fuuko a look then turned to walk away.

"Wait!" Raiha called out before he could go far. There was just something about Mikagami walking away that had always managed to unsettle him; he looked so alone, in the world… Mikagami stopped.

"Anything else?" he queried, not bothering to turn his head.

"Erm…" Raiha fumbled. "I think Fuuko-san won't mind if you join us… that way you won't be lonely!"

This time Mikagami turned, with a mocking look in his eyes. He gave a short burst of laughter, then stopped abruptly. "Who do you think I am, Raiha? I don't need your sympathy, nor do I want to break up the-" his eye darted towards the wind girl who had turned around at the familiar crazy laugh. "Two little doves."

"What are you doing here, Mi-chan?" Fuuko asked cheerily, having not caught the words through the distance. "I didn't know you needed food to live."

"Fuuko-san…" Raiha mildly protested. "Don't be mean…"

She winked at him. "Chill it."

Mikagami felt a surge of resentment welling up, a feeling unlike the other times when Fuuko teased him. He bit in the snarl that was on his lips, ignored the wink between the two lovebirds, and walked away. He dropped the whole basket of groceries in a corner as he went.

"Mi-Mikagami-san!" Raiha called out to him, puzzled by the reaction. But Mikagami was not ready to stop, so he had to run and catch up.

Raiha sure has taken to him a lot… Fuuko ignored both men and went back to her picking of vegetable.

Mikagami's head burned, and he close his eyes to shut out the wave of heat that rolled across his brain. Vision suddenly blurred, and he reach out to steady himself. Finding no support, he stumbled and would have fallen onto the cold hard floor had it not been two strong arms catching him firmly by the shoulders. The dizziness passed, and Mikagami regained his footing blindly.

He jerked away from the person who saved his dignity, already knowing who it was and not appreciating the help. Raiha did not give way. "Are you alright, Mikagami-san?" More quietly, he asked, "Does this have anything to do with… yesterday night? Are you unwell?"

"Back off, Raiha," Mikagami bit out, shrugging off the hands. "Whatever happened has nothing to do with you anymore. My business is none of yours."

"Don't say that…" a hurt look crossed over Raiha's eyes. "But I can't let you go back like that, Mikagami-san. What if you faint on the road? What if you meet up with thugs? Come with me to Fuuko-san's place, and maybe she can cook something nutritious for you?"

Mikagami's vision cleared, and the first thing to come to his eyes was the hope in Raiha's eyes, so blatant for the world to see. He took a step back in surprise mingled with a little bit of unease. "I…" he faded off. "Don't look at me like that, Raiha. It's revolting."

Raiha blinked in surprise, then touched his face on instinct. "How… am I looking at you?"

"Forget it," Mikagami pulled himself totally away and brushed the bangs out of his eyes. He hesitated for a moment, wondering whether he should really go back to the hostel. He was not sure, but there was an ominous feeling that it was going to really quiet without… Raiha. He had wanted to make them something for dinner, but he should have known… Mikagami clenched his teeth. He should have known that he was off to Fuuko's place. Of course he would be. Who am I, huh? Just a suicidal freak that happened to share a room with him. Nothing but trouble.

"Mikagami-san…" He felt a hand close around his wrist, and slowly, felt the mask crumble into pieces.

Raiha relaxed his grip when he saw the shoulders sagged in resignation, then gave a gentle tug. "I'll walk us home later on, okay? Dinner won't take long, and we have no homework for today."

The feeling was almost overpowering. The urge to give in to the kind voice… Mikagami nodded slowly, trying to gather his shattered will. Raiha pulled him gently towards Fuuko, who had been staring blankly at them. There was something about those two that bothered her a lot… today more so than ever. Mikagami always looks so vulnerable around Raiha… she realized. So easily giving in…

Her eyes darted between the two faces of the two young men who were slowly approaching her. From Raiha's smiling and encouraging one to Mikagami's sullen cold expression.

Then to the linked hands.

---

Fuuko flung open the door to her house. "Tadaimaaaaaaa!!!"

The interior of the house was dark, meaning her brother had yet to return, or he was hiding in the shadows to scare her. Fuuko quickly crossed out that idea. Nah… he learnt that he will only have shuriken in his ass for trying…

So that meant she was alone in the house with Raiha the boyfriend prospect and, drum roll please, Mi-chan the great big gooseberry asshole. Fuuko scowled.

"There's no need to scream…" came the even voice.

Fuuko's vein popped out. She turned around and forced a smile. "It's a **family tradition**, Mi-chan."

He raised an eyebrow. "Tradition with a vengeance…"

Smoke nearly risen. "Well, if you're not happy with my **inherited customs**, you're free to go whenever you please. _I_ didn't invite you."

"Fuuko-san…" Raiha frowned. "It's getting cold outside, I think we should go in before we start arguing." He had a feeling the evening was not going to be pleasant…

"Oh fine, all right!" Fuuko kicked the door out of wimp and dumped her few bags of groceries on the table as she passed.

Mikagami followed and Raiha came next, closing the door and shutting the chill out. It was early summer, but the nights were still cold. He sighed and put down his own bags of food. When Fuuko learnt that he had invited Mikagami over, she had given him a strange look then blew her top. While she ranted at him half-heartedly, Mikagami just snatched her basket from the ground beside her and refilled it with new assorted food that looked way better than the first batch.

Raiha thought he was going to get into more trouble for Mikagami's insolence, but apparently Fuuko had not even noticed. She just grabbed the basket when she was done grumbling and went to the cashier.

Mikagami left his load on the table, beside Raiha's. Fuuko had gone upstairs, presumably to change into something more casual, and fume everything away in silence. Okay, maybe not the 'silence' part. Raiha winced at the Unnamed Flying Objects that sounded like they were… flying, upstairs.

He saw Mikagami hesitate, then pick up all the discarded bags again to enter the kitchen. He was a Man With A Mission that night (and please do not allow your mind to wander into the gutters). He really had doubts about Fuuko's culinary skills. The world could die of food poisoning, but not him.

Raiha followed him, wishing he could just lift the corners of the unsmiling mouth, even if it was just a little. "How can I help, Mikagami-san?" he asked good-naturedly, peeping over Mikagami's shoulders at the shrimp he was fishing out of the plastic bag.

"Keep Fuuko away," was the immediate yet steady response.

"You do realize that would not only be rude, but also impossible, Mikagami-san?" Raiha smiled.

Mikagami was silent for a few moments, as if pondering on how to answer, which was something he rarely did. Finally, he managed to say clearly, "Mikagami. Just Mikagami."

Raiha was caught off guard, and the words hit him like… well, something he did not expect. His face broke into a big beam and he nodded fervently. "Of course, Mikagami-s… Mikagami!"

"Go and wash the oysters."

"What?"

"You asked me how you can help, didn't you?" Mikagami put the shrimps in a draining basket and washed them clean.

"Aa!" Raiha poured out the oysters into another small basket and started rinsing. "What are we going to eat today, Mikagami?"

"Yose-nabe." Mikagami moved on to the carrots.

"Ah…" Raiha grinned in appreciation. "It's been so long since I have gathered around with people to have an actual meal. The last time I ate something like this was when… let me see… when Kurenai-sama was still alive, I suppose. It was New Year and I and Jisho-san dropped by the Uruha mansion to visit Kurei-sama. If I remember correctly, that hotpot was prepared by Neon, and she stood in the far corner of the room while she watched us, until Kurenai-sama invited her over. She was Kurenai-sama's personal maid then, and took care of her favorite roses," he let out a small sigh, turning on the tap.

"Kurei-sama was there too, eating with us. He used to have a smile back then. That was the night Neon asked to join the Uruha forces under me. You know, I was the one who trained her at first," he gave a sad smile. "I wonder whether I did the right thing… You know, I never managed to figure out who's most loyal… the one who died for him, the one by his side, the one with him always on the mind, or the one that watch from afar…" Raiha blinked, like something suddenly struck him. "Oh my… I must be getting old, rattling these things to you… Are you done with the chicken yet, Mikagami?"

"I understand…"

"What did you say?" Raiha looked up from his oysters, not sure he had caught the right words.

"I haven't eaten with a crowd for a long time too," Mikagami said quietly. "Possibly for longer than you."

"Saa! Let's not think about these things, Mikagami!" Raiha brightened up, not liking where the conversation was leading to. Heck, he brought Mikagami along because he did not want the swordsman to be lonely. Like hell he was going to allow bad memories to surface. "We'll finish doing this before Fuuko-san comes down. It will be a nice surprise for her." And we can all eat together… he added silently.

"Oh no you don't," Fuuko's voice rang out, seeming to have regained her good mood. Raiha turned and saw her standing in the doorway, hair dripping. "Who gave you permission to mess around in my kitchen anyway, huh?"

"It would have saved your parents effort and money," Mikagami replied, unruffled, not even turning to look at her. Before she could make a retort, he interrupted, "Get the burner out, Fuuko, and leave the food to us. We're having nabe today."

Raiha nudged her gently, "Go on, Fuuko-san… you don't have to dirty your hands this way."

"Hn," was all Fuuko said before going off to the storeroom to retrieve the burner for pot dishes. There goes her chance of showing off to Raiha. Stupid Mikagami. But he seems to have already recovered quite nicely… she mused. He certainly did not look suicidal now, unlike the last time she saw him. She wondered what had happened to cause the change. Then she frowned. He should still be in the hospital… because he did seem weirder than usual. More temperamental, she pointed out to herself. Snarls more than usual too.

She brought the burner out to the dining table and plugged it in. then, with the assigned chore done, she went back to the kitchen again. "Hey, you guys move faster, will you? I'm starving."

"The broth is rea~dy!" Raiha sang, as he carried out a pot of soup to the dining room. Fuuko smiled and tiptoed up to Mikagami.

"You know, you are behaving strangely," she commented.

Mikagami ignored her.

"You know what I think?" she continued nonetheless. "I think from what I see, you're in love with Raiha."

"What?" The celery in his hands broke into two. Mikagami frowned, shooting her a Look. "Cut the crap, what do you want?"

Fuuko studied his expression in a knowing way. "Forget it. I didn't say anything."

She watched him chop up the radish rapidly, then gave a frustrated sigh. "Come on, get your ass moving, or it'll be way pass dinner time when you finish."

After another long while of watching with Raiha whistling in the dinning room as he busied away, she finally could not stand it and took things in her own hands. Reaching into the refrigerator, she fished out a few eggs and put them all in the microwave oven, and turned the temperature up to 200° F. "There, the side dishes done. See, you should learn to be as efficient as me."

Mikagami turned, to retort something, but saw **unpleasant things**. "Monkey…" he trailed off, staring at the contents of the microwave oven.

"What?!" Fuuko snapped.

"You're not supposed to cook that in the oven…"

"I have my own ways of cooking. Anyway, Raiha will like it like that." She gave him a glare, challenging.

Mikagami shrugged. "As you wish then. But don't say I didn't warn you. It'll-"

*KABOOM*

"-explode."

"AHHHH!!!" Fuuko squawked. "What the hell! What happened??!!!"

Mikagami studied the remains of the kitchen with an over-solemn look.

---

The three sat at the table in silence, Fuuko hanging her head sheepishly between the two men. Mikagami stared at her impassively, with a hint of sternness, while Raiha sighed and shook his head in half-amusement. The quiet continued for quite some time, and Mikagami eventually glanced elsewhere in boredom.

Raiha smiled in mild exasperation. "What are we going to do with you, Fuuko-san?"

"Come on…" Fuuko mumbled. "I rarely cook…"

"Yes, and you know what? Spinach has more brain cells than you," Mikagami snorted.

"Hey!" Fuuko protested. "You didn't stop me when I put those stupid eggs in!"

Mikagami raised a silver eyebrow. "I didn't?"

"You-" Fuuko started, then subsided just as quick. "Did."

"Saa… let's not argue about this, okay?" Raiha intervened. "Let's eat, now. I'm hungry!"

"He's right," Fuuko brightened at once, picking up her chopsticks. "Let's eat."

Mikagami spared their dinner a glance. "Instant noodles," he remarked, like he was talking about a stain on the shirt.

"You have objections?" Fuuko glowered, adding hot water to her Eel Flavor Two-In-One Instant Mix ~ Extra Springy. She slid the kettle over to him roughly.

Mikagami raised his other brow. "We could have been enjoying hotpot now, you know."

"Okay, okay," Raiha stepped in once again, adding the water into Mikagami's share as well as his own. "It's better than nothing, right? Think of all those people starving in the world right now, and let's thank God we have instant noodles to eat." Big Beam.

"Let's thank Fuuko, for practicality," Mikagami sniffed.

"MI~kagaaaaaaami!" Fuuko growled before pouncing on him.

"OWWW!!!" someone other than Mikagami yelled.

Both stop their scramble, and turned their heads. All they saw was a mass of yellow Extra Springy noodles over another mass of purple. Raiha sat there soaking in eel flavored soup.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!" Fuuko pointed and burst out in laughter. "Raiha! What are you doing?! (AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)"

Raiha shook the noodles away from his head in disgust. "Fuuko-san! _You_ knocked the noodles over me!" he chided though it was through a grin.

"You are too much of a fool around her, Raiha," Mikagami commented, but managed to lift up the corners of his mouth a little.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!" Fuuko fell on her sides and pounded on the floor. "No! Get away from me, Raiha! Shit, don't pass your noodles to me!!!"

She started dancing around the room with Raiha chasing after her, waving eel flavored Extra Springy noodles. Mikagami sighed internally, and the night continued, until the duo eventually managed to squeeze a smile out of the ice block.

"Mi-chan! Look at that, Raiha! The sun's not going to rise tomorrow!" Fuuko glomped Mikagami from behind, and stretched his smile with two fingers. "Say AH~, Mi-chan!"

"You are sick." Mikagami shrugged the wind girl away impatiently, the hard-won smile vanishing. The rowdiness went on for quite some time, until Raiha finally gave the clock a glance and decided it was time to return to peace.

Why the hell did I even go with him for…? Mikagami grumbled to himself as he walked along in the company of a faint street light. Raiha warmed his hands beside him, and hugged himself. Mikagami looked to the sky and wondered if it was really that cold. Summer is coming…

"Mikagami… did you enjoy yourself today?" Raiha turned to him, still rubbing his hands together. "It was fun, wasn't it?"

"I have better things to waste time on." Mikagami ran a finger through his hair, removing the slight tangles that had resulted from tussles. His hand caught on one, and he growled softly. In one swift movement, the band that held the silvery strands together was gone, and stray strands floated in the wind easily.

"Oh…" was all Raiha managed to get out as his eyes fixed involuntarily on the new sight. He would have reached out to touch, but… it just was not right, he told himself in time. But how can anyone have such nice hair…? Must be nice to feel… It suddenly occurred to him that he had not for once wondered why Mikagami's hair was of such a weird color. It was just acceptance, be it dyed or natural… and now he found himself all consumed by those thoughts, of doing more, much more, than looking alone…

"Raiha?"

"H-Hai!" Raiha jumped, and turned his eyes wildly on Mikagami. Oh no, now he'll think you're an idiot or something! Stupid!

"We're home."

"A-aa!" Raiha stumbled in his words, and stopped, looking at the gates like they were airlock doors of a space Orbiter.

"We can go in now."

"Aa!"

Mikagami gave him a strange look then slid open one of the black-painted gates. He nodded to the security guard and proceeded up the drive. The hostels were right behind the school, and in a way, very convenient. Raiha trailed behind, half-annoyed with himself. They reached the hostel in silence. The corridor was quiet, because most of the students had gone to a party organized by a neighboring school to… encourage social interaction.

Mikagami sat down on his own bed and toed off his shoes and socks, with a thoughtful look in his eyes. Raiha did the same, but it was only he who felt the awkward silence. Mikagami fell back onto his bed and unbuttoned his faded jeans with one hand. Raiha could not stand it anymore, and went into the bathroom where he would only have to face cement and tiles. There, he would not have to start blushing for no good reasons.

He took a shower to calm his nerves. It was amazing how Mikagami always managed to unsettle him, when he had served Kurei for… ever since he could remember. But then, Kurei did not have **gorgeous silver hair**. Ahh! What are you thinking about?! Raiha mentally slapped himself.

He slipped into his boxers and thin long shirt, and opened the door. Raiha nearly squeaked in surprise when he saw Mikagami standing there with the usual stoic eyes glaring, presumably at the door before, and now at him. The ninja stepped aside to let his unpredictable roommate pass. The door slammed into his face.

Raiha sighed and hung his towel around his neck. When Mikagami came out again, he was all dripping wet, wearing only black briefs. Raiha looked up from his meditative position on the bed. Mikagami looked more flustered than when before bathing, and for some reason, one glance was all it took to let Raiha know he was lapsing into one of his restless fits again, unconsciously.

Raiha looked at Mikagami sharply, ransacking through his mind for anything in the past twenty-four hours that could possibly have upset the sword wielder.

Mikagami fell onto his bed and pulled the covers up, so not even his hair was visible. Then there was no more movement, while Raiha accessed the situation carefully in his mind.

"Mikagami?"

Silence.

"I know you're not asleep yet."

Silence.

"Your hair's still wet. You'll get a cold or worse."

Mikagami shifted slightly.

"Put on a sweater, will you? It's far too chilly to sleep naked."

Silence.

"Tell me what's bothering you... I won't tell anyone else. I haven't, have I? No one knows about last night." Raiha crossed his legs on the bed, and leaned forward hopefully. But there was no response. Raiha gave a small sigh that was only audible to himself, and flicked the light switch by his bedside. With a loud thump, he fell on his back, and gazed at the white ceiling in the soft glow of moonlight.

"Why do you act like you care?"

Raiha slowly turned onto his side and gazed at the hidden lump on the other bed. The voice was muffled by the thick cover, but the masked weariness was so clear to the ears... especially the 'masked' part. Raiha, at that moment, only wanted to take the lost child into his arms and hold him till the world went away and left his thoughts alone.

"Because I can't hide that I do."

"Then why do you?" The 'I don't believe' was loud, though unspoken. Raiha felt sadness twinge in his heart. He wanted to answer that he could not help it, could not help feeling for him, but restrained his words, and instead, replied, "Because I'm a busybody and I get carried off when I start to pretend... not that I ever did with you. You attract pests like me."

"And you still joke..." The covers were pulled down, and Raiha was a little startled when he saw two seemingly glowing blue eyes searing into him. The psychedelic moonlight danced on the pale skin of his face, and the beauty was more surreal than it ever was, colder than it ever had been.

And yet, at that moment as the eyes held the distrust, there was also something vulnerable inside, already torn and waiting for someone to piece it back. Maybe there was hope, like there had been once before, but now, it was buried deep, suppressed, unconsciously.

Raiha chuckled, and tear his eyes away. He looked to the ceiling again. "I'm not joking. Isn't that the truth?"

There was a moment of silence before Raiha spoke again. "Are you cold?"

"I'm never cold."

"All because you yourself and your heart is too icy to feel anything," Raiha chided. "Dry your hair, or else I'm going to nag at you till morning. And I want you to SLEEP, Mikagami. I'm going to stay awake until you've fallen asleep; I'm not going to let you stare at the ceiling until morning."

Mikagami snorted softly, almost in amusement, but made no moves to comply. Raiha's eyes softened. "Are the dreams coming back...?"

Hesitation.

"Once. Today's nap."

Raiha sat up suddenly, and held open his arms. "Come over to me."

Mikagami frowned in confusion. "What?"

Raiha grinned sheepishly. "No… it just seems like you sleep better beside me (^^). I remember yesterday, you slept like you were dead. Maybe the nightmares won't come if you have someone hugging you?"

Mikagami stared into those kind eyes blankly. No malice, no mockery, no ill intentions. This was a first since Mifuyu left. Always so ready to help… aren't you…? "You're telling me to sleep with you."

Raiha blushed deep red. "You don't have to phrase it that way! () I only want to make you better!"

A small smile flitted across the ghostly face, before the eyes trained themselves elsewhere. Raiha pouted a little then lowered his arms and fell back onto the sheets, turning his back on Mikagami. "Don't say I didn't try to help."

The air stilled and for a while, there was only the sounds of two people breathing, both deep in thoughts, though of drastically different genres. Maybe that was why Raiha froze when he felt warm moving beside him, squirming a little to get into a comfortable position. He tentatively turned his head to look behind him and was not sure how to feel when he saw Mikagami on the same bed, lying back to back with him. His skin had a chill factor to it.

Then the face broke into a grin. "Want to share my warmth?"

"I hope you have an idea how obscene we look like this." There, some light-hearted disgust.

"No, not at all," Raiha turned around fully and snaked an arm underneath and above the cold body to hug him from behind. He pulled Mikagami closer, despite the fact that Mikagami literally stiffened when he did.

"Stop that!"

Raiha's grin grew wider. "Or do you want me to rock you to sleep? Just settle down, Mikagami."

---

Mikagami opened his eyes to warn skin against his cheek. His mind drew a blank on the previous night, meaning there had been no dreams. Closing his eyes again, he wondered whether he should be glad or uneasy. This should not mean anything… right?

"Hey, you can't fall asleep again. Get up!"

Mikagami's eyes slowly reopened, and he looked up, at a face not so far away from his own. Then the baby blue irises darted to the alarm clock by the bedside, and narrowed. "It's barely six, Raiha."

"Doesn't matter. Rise and shine!"

Mikagami felt the two arms around him leave, and his face moved away from the crook of the ninja's neck. The sun had yet to rise, he noted, as he propped himself up on his elbows. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Raiha fishing out clothes from his closet and whistling merrily while dancing to his own tune. The wriggling butt (sporting boxers of white katana against a purple background) suddenly looked very good to slap.

Mikagami shook his head in irritation. What the hell was going on …? He threw on a shirt of his own, and set his mind to face the day.

---

Lessons were as boring as usual that day, and for the first time in his life, Mikagami found himself doodling in his book, writing and drawing things he would have died to protect from the student population of his school. In fact, he was so engrossed that he completely ignored the world while his pencil darted over the single lines and left pencil marks in the shape of a man. Meaning he did not hear when the teacher called his name.

*doodle doodle*

"Mikagami-san!"

*doodle doodle*

"Mikagami-san!"

***doodle doodle***

"Hey… Mikagami… look up…" Raiha hissed, trying to kick his legs, but only succeeded in wincing when he kicked the table leg instead. The sudden jerk of the table caused Mikagami's eyes to snap up, and he glared at the teacher like he was the cause of Armageddon.

The teacher, understandably, fidgeted. "Please pay lesser attention to your irrelevant drawings, Mikagami-san."

"Wakarimashita, sensei." The teacher was sure he felt his skin crawl.

He cleared his throat loudly, to emphasize on his importance, then motioned for Mikagami to stand up, which he obediently did. "Er… demonstrate to us how to do question three now, Mikagami-san."

Mikagami glanced at his textbook, wondering how far his class had gone already. He had been too caught up with his drawings… The question looked vaguely familiar, his mind registered, as he walked up to the blackboard. He had probably done it some time before.

Mikagami picked up the chalk and elegantly scrawled equations across board, enjoying the quiet sounds the chalk made. He quietly set the chalk down when he was done. Yeah, he recalled, he had done that question around **five years ago**…

The teacher swallowed, and pushed his glasses higher up the bridge of his nose. He inspected the working carefully, before silently admitting that it was correct by carrying on with the lesson. Raiha frowned, and compared the equations with his own.

He sweatdropped.

All wrong…? He groaned internally.

---

When the bell went for the end of the day, Raiha was still trying to figure out how x could be equivalent to 3y, and why there were infinite solutions to question 4a, yet no solutions to question 4b. Mikagami finished his packing, and sat quietly there, watching Raiha at work. The teacher had already left, as had the rest of the class.

Raiha scribbled something in his textbook, then with a sigh of satisfaction and delight, beamed. "I got it right at last!"

Mikagami lazily glanced at the illegible handwriting, then also sighed. "Wrong."

"What?!" Raiha checked the answers. He sweatdropped. "And I spent so long over this!"

Mikagami wanted to say something kind; he really did. But what came out of his mouth was **totally in-character** for him. "I take it that you know that anyone with an agreeable IQ of three digits will be able to complete that question in less than five minutes."

Raiha blushed, and scribbled something more. "Mikagami!"

"The answer is so glaring…" said Mikagami added, with an irritating tone of amusement.

"Rai-chaaaaaaaaann!!" The door flew open, and Mikagami closed his eyes at once, the involuntary horror rising rapidly at that voice. She was the **Devil**. No, in fact, she could have made the Devil kneel down, beg for mercy, and plead that he was going to be **good for eternity**.

Mikagami winced.

Fuuko bounced in, and slammed on Raiha's table. "I've been searching everywhere for you. Ready now?? Let's go!!"

"Saa… I'm just about done. We can go in a few minutes," Raiha smiled up at her, and started packing up his things. "Mikagami, I'll be back at about seven, okay?"

He barely nodded.

"Excuse me a moment, Fuuko-san. I need to go to the restroom." Raiha slipped out of the classroom, and Fuuko perched her butt on the edge of his table.

"So…" she began, tilting her head to the side a little.

"I do not wish to attend to your non-intellectual comments, Fuuko," Mikagami interrupted.

The telltale vein floated up, but Fuuko tried keeping a steady tone. There was a slight strain to it. "You are really getting weirder, Mi-chan."

Mikagami did not reply, slightly uneasy as to where the one-sided conversation was heading.

Fuuko swung her legs leisurely, but her face took on a sadder look. "I think you… should put this down, now. I really don't want to see you hurt deeper, and I think both you and me know that Raiha is not gay."

Mikagami's eyes hardened. "You're not making yourself understood."

"But you do, all the same. You understand." She lay a hand on her senior's shoulder. "Give it up, Mikagami, or the wound will reopen."

"Try speaking human language for once, Fuuko."

"Yeah, right, you don't understand." She rolled her eyes, then forced a smile. "Say, do you know what color Raiha likes best?"

"You should know it better than me."

"Nah, he doesn't seem to have a preference. You're the one staying with him, aren't you?"

"Purple."

Fuuko contemplated on that. "He likes purple…? How do you know?"

"You should see his undergarments…"

"WHAT???!!!"

Eyes bulged.

"Mikagami!!!" Raiha stood in the doorway, blushing a deep crimson. Mikagami raised an eyebrow at the very cute ninja, at that moment.

"You find the weirdest pictures there are…" Mikagami continued, a little warmed up to the game.

"Mikagami!!!" Raiha rushed over and clasped a hand over his mouth, and unknown to him, concealed a little grin.

"Okay, let's go now," Fuuko winked at him, and tugged on Raiha's arm insistently. "Quick, I need to be back early… grounded for messing up the kitchen."

"We're going to the mirror house, Mikagami. Don't wait up for me!" Raiha managed to call out before he was dragged away. "Don't wait up for me, heard that? I want to see you asleep when I get back, Mikagami!"

Mikagami sat there in the quiet, after the two had gone. To the mirror house… flashes of his last trip there surfaced, and for a reason unknown, he felt dull throbs of pain in his heart. Mirror house…

Give it up, Mikagami, or the wound will reopen.

It won't, Fuuko… Mikagami's eyes closed. What makes you think it has even healed in the first place…?

Mirror house…

---

"Tadaimaaaa~" Raiha said softly as he opened the door to his hostel room, for fear of waking up a sleeping roommate, who usually did not bestow him with good graces when roused from sleep. But to his mild annoyance, Mikagami was still writing something on the bed. "Mikagami! I thought I told you to go to sleep?"

"Had a nice time?"

Raiha paused, detecting something unfriendly in Mikagami's tone. "What's wrong?" his tone softened.

The swordsman put away his stationery and gave an almost inaudible sigh. He retrieved a rubber band from under his pillow and pulled his hair together. For a second, Mikagami just sat there, as if deciding what to do. Then blue eyes raised to meet jade green ones, and Raiha saw resignation and something new in there that seemed almost like realization. Mikagami looked at him for a good while, enough to make him uncomfortable, before shrugging a little. He got off the bed. "Had dinner?"

"Had no time… we were playing at the amusement park the whole while…" Raiha scratched his head.

"I've saved some for you." Mikagami brushed past him out of the door, dressed in tanktop and loose long pants. Raiha set down his school bag and followed his roommate out, not bothering to close the door.

"Why aren't you asleep yet?" Raiha persisted, as he caught up. They were heading towards the shared kitchen at the end of the corridor.

"I know you'll have nothing to eat when you come back," was the simple and unhesitating answer.

"I…" Raiha's eyes widened. "T-thank you, Mikagami. But you really needn't stay up for me."

"Raiha…" Mikagami started slowly, as if talking to a retard. "It's not even eight yet, if you haven't noticed."

"But-" Raha flustered. "But you should be sleeping! You just had a blood transfusion, and you're still not fit enough to be up and about everywhere eighteen hours a day!"

"You wake me up ridiculously early," Mikagami retorted, a little sourly.

"Ah… but that's another matter altogether," Raiha reasoned unreasonably. He was shut up when they reached the kitchen door. Mikagami swung it open roughly, and it nearly hit the purple-hair ninja in the nose.

Raiha paused in the doorway and watched as Mikagami lighted the stove and put a kettle on it. Expressionlessly, Mikagami stepped back and waited for the water to boil. When it did, he drained the water into a bowl and put in fresh tealeaves. Absolutely not a way to make tea, but for the practicality of it, it was enough. He moved to the rice cooker and emptied it's contents into a bigger bowl, scraped something off a plate into it, then poured the tea over. With a vague gesture towards his work, he said quietly, "Take it or leave it."

"What is it?" Raiha asked.

Mikagami shrugged. "Chazuke."

"Ah?" Raiha blinked, surprised, then grinned. "Mikagami, you are getting more and more like my wife with every passing day, you know."

He was shot with a disapproving glare, as sharp as tens of katana skewering him. Raiha winced, and had the grace to look faintly apologetic, even though the grin was still in place. "I didn't mean any disrespect, Mikagami, just a passing comment."

"Keep you 'passing comments' to yourself'. They're not appreciated," was the cold reply.

Mikagami brushed past Raiha, going back towards their room, and the ninja was faintly surprised that he was not shouldered aside (which was what usually happened). Raiha quickly picked up his bowl of dinner, took a quick smell and sighed in satisfaction, then followed his roommate. He managed to squeeze past into the room before the door was slammed shut in his face and his dinner. "Chill, Mi-chan," he took Fuuko's pet name for him.

"Don't start the juvenile trend, Raiha," Mikagami stated flatly as he fell onto his bed, tucking two arms behind his head.

Raiha mock-pouted before sitting down on the floor beside Mikagami's bed and setting the bowl on the floor. He contemplated on an 'itadakimasu' as he settled down comfortably, but rejected the idea at the thought of more sarcasm from his sort-of-friend. "Smells good, Mikagami."

"It doesn't have a smell."

"Ah, but it does," Raiha beamed, as he picked up his bowl and tucked in. The following minutes were passed in silence, only broken by the slurping sounds of Raiha dining. Mikagami stared at the ceiling, with a wistful expression. Raiha watched him, noticing a distinct change. Mikagami's eyes were alive, had a gleam in them that had been previously absent. He looked _normal_.

It _really_ does look like he made a new realization or something… Raiha mused, downing the last of his very simple meal. "Okay, you are going to sleep now, Mikagami. Nope, no argument."

"I'm not trying."

"Okay, get dressed. Undressed. Whatever. I'm going to clean up and when I come back, I want to see you in bed, okay?" Raiha rattled as he picked up his things and went out, to the kitchen.

Mikagami closed his eyes, not moving.

Give it up, Mikagami, or the wound will reopen.

He thought he understood what it meant now. Mikagami's bit down on his lips determinedly.

---

Raiha was back soon, but Mikagami had enough time to burrow himself in the thick covers. He disappeared into the bathroom, satisfied that the swordsman was complying to a certain extent. Mikagami saw him come out all wet, and watched through fully awake eyes as he dried his beautiful violet hair and combed through the full length of it. "Close your eyes…" Raiha said patiently, feeling himself being watched.

Mikagami did not reply, nor did he obey. The truth was that sleep was just not catching up to him.

Raiha finally put down his brush and took off his shirt, crawling into his own bed and turning off the bedside lamp. "You know, you can come over when you want to."

He really did not expect it, but he saw Mikagami's slender figure kneeling down by his bedside, as the moon illuminated his features with its soft glow. Raiha was definitely startled, but did not show it on his face. It was unnerving how Mikagami could move without his awareness. His own surprise was pushed away as he took in the unreadable expression in the baby blue eyes – confusion, sadness and maybe a touch of uncertainty…?

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, having the notion that anything more than a whisper would shatter the fragile picture in front of him. Something stirred inside him, something that made him want to slip into his most gentle disposition and whisper words of paradise and eternal happiness. But he was speaking to Mikagami, after all.

"Why are you doing this to me, Raiha, when you know you'll be gone when I start to lean on you?" Mikagami asked, voiced strained all of a sudden.

"What do you mean…?" Raiha sat up, and meet Mikagami's strong gaze. The voice was weak, but there was something that burned within now, something searching for an answer, confused but relentless.

"Are you that confident you will be here when darkness falls? How do you expect me to trust you?" Mikagami asked, voice harsh. "Will you be the one there to wipe my tears when I cry? Are you going to try replacing my sister then die on me like she did? Who are you, Raiha?"

He was forceful now. He was searching for the last and final answer to his own chaos.

Raiha was taken aback, but his eyes softened at the words, words of a lost child. "I'm just someone who cares, and I'll be there, I promise. So believe in me, Mikagami…"

So believe in me…

With those words, Mikagami felt the last of the barrier crumble away, and he pulled Raiha close to him, bury his face into the soft neck and just held the warmth close, held tight, like everything, the newfound happiness, would be gone if he let go. Raiha slid his own arms around the small body, taking in the faint sweet scent that was solely Mikagami's.

Mikagami felt the _warmth_, felt the closeness seep into every part of his body as the seconds ticked by. He was not sure why, and for how long, but soon, tears were seeping out of his closed lids, and onto Raiha's tanned skin. He held on tighter, felt the tears come faster, and just let them go. Gently, he felt the reassuring pats on his back. For a moment, just for one moment, he had the faint vision, that even if the sky crashed down, he would be safe, safe and warm.

Then he pulled away to look into the gentle green eyes, before tentatively moving forward and touching the soft lips with his own. There was no resistance, so he pressed forward and softly kissed Raiha. His mouth was hot, and the taste sweet. Mikagami closed his eyes, focusing on the tender touch and the warm breath. "You promised… Raiha…"

Then he pulled away, realizing what he had just done. Their gaze broke, but their embrace did not. Mikagami pushed the ninja back down on the bed carefully, then moved into the sheets beside him, arms around the broad shoulders. He relaxed, as fingers combed through his hair lightly. Relaxed, and felt the cold being chased away, the darkness being lit up, as sleep claimed his tired consciousness.

---

_He knows how to get up when he falls, knows how to hold back tears even if the wound pains him too much. But now, as the scarred child climbs to his feet, he finds that he has fallen too hard and too deep, and everywhere can be a trap waiting to spring. The little boy now stands alone in the foreign land, the dark and unknown abyss of love._

To be continued…__

  * O-chazuke is something often taken as a quick snack, and wives often prepare it for their husbands.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

My Heart Can't Let You Go is an original piece of work copyrighted to saturn de wicked™. Characters in this fan fiction are adapted from Flame of Recca without permission from their creator and are copyrighted to their respective owners.

This fan fiction is inspired by the song by Mikaila, My Heart Can't Let You Go.

© 2001 saturn de wicked


	4. Part Four(a)

Can't Let You Go

PART FOUR

Mikagami was already gone when Raiha woke up, just like always. Raiha did not attend class that day, partly because he needed time to think through things, and partly because he was already late anyway. Instead, his footsteps brought him to the hill he had visited with Fuuko the other day. This time, he made it to the top, and sat under the tree and watched the city moved through the times of the day.

He sat still staring blankly until about the evening. Some time during the day his mind had stopped functioning for him altogether. He had meant to take the time to think things out, about the silent mess he had gotten himself entangled in. He felt so dirty, like he had betrayed Fuuko, and it was a feeling that he had not tasted often in his life. Being a ninja, it was the ultimate shame to be associated with the word betrayal.

Raiha sighed, burying his face in his palms. He was starting to regret the last month of his life. He should not have come to visit Fuuko. If he did not, then he would not have known the other side of Mikagami, then he would not be fascinated with the other side of Mikagami, then no one would be hurt because there would not be a Raiha complicating feelings in Hokage.

You're such a failure, Raiha…you got ice to melt then you don't know what to do with the water.

If he could do nothing about the situation, then… maybe it would be better to freeze the water up again? He could not just leave the puddle there to evaporate into nothingness.

Raiha slapped himself for thinking that way.

Fuuko-san… he mind called out the name as if calling for help and inspiration, two fingers rubbing his slightly red cheeks.

The bushes behind him rustled softly, and Raiha jumped. His eyes widened when he saw who it was, then a flush slowly crept across his cheeks, marking his guilt. It was Mikagami, and for some reason, Raiha felt it was infidelity that he was caught thinking about Fuuko in his presence. "Mikagami…" he greeted softly with a smile when his nerved settled. Somewhere in the depths of his mind, he wondered whether feeling so comfortable in the icy boy's presence could also be considered as unfaithfulness to Fuuko. Comfortable, yet uncomfortable.

The Ensui master nodded in reply, stopping beside where Raiha sat. His eyes roamed carelessly over the scenery, while being very conscious of the ninja looking at him.

Raiha stared at the hair as the breezed lazily played with it. It took him almost a minute to realize that Mikagami was silently seeking permission to sit down. When he finally did, his fading blush came back to haunt him and he scooted over to make space. Not that there was not enough of it anyway. Chiding his flushed cheeks, Raiha patted the space beside him invitingly, his mind involuntarily going back to the night before, and remember the ki-

Mikagami sat down gracefully and stretched his legs out. Raiha noticed that he had tied his hair with long black ribbons that suited him very nicely – they look much better than the plain hair-tie he used usually. The silence between them stretched for quite a while, even as Raiha fumbled for something to say, anything besides the weather and the scenery.

The sun was setting.

"Erm… Mikagami, do you come here often?" he managed, fiddling with his fingers.

His sort-of companion nodded. "It's quiet here."

"Aa…" Raiha replied intelligently. He fixed his eyes on the skies far away, where the blue was melding into a rainbow of orange and yellow. "Do you like sunsets, Mikagami? They're beautiful…"

"I generally don't bother admiring."

"…"

Birds chirped, leaves rustled, cars moved about down below, but the two did not continue with their clumsy exchange of words. Raiha clasped his hands together and tried hard to understand why the awkward silence felt so comfortable – it was hard to explain. He supposed it was he who was pressuring himself into saying something, and not the presence of Mikagami. Mikagami made him feel good.

"Stop that."

"Huh?" Raiha looked up from his hands, eyes going to meet baby blue irises. Beautiful.

"You've been fidgeting."

"Oh. I'm sorry," Raiha apologized, turning away slightly to hide his face.

"You don't need to apologize…" Mikagami said softly, giving a half-shrug. "I make everyone uneasy."

"That's not true!" Raiha protested, before realizing that he was slightly overreacting. He flushed bright red. That seemed to have become a natural reflex. "I-I mean…" his voice softened, "You do make me a little nervous but… you make me happy too… very happy."

Mikagami's lips curled into the beginnings of a smile, and he relaxed further against the rough bark of the tree trunk. "How long do you plan to stay?" he asked.

Raiha shrugged. "As long as you can stand me."

But in his heart, he wondered if that will ever become true.

---

The next day, Mikagami and Raiha walked to school together. It was a short trip from the school hostels to the main buildings, but the number of heart-filled looks they received would have been unnerving had one not been so cold, and the other not so oblivious. Raiha had proved very popular among the female population too.

As it was, the giggles and whispers going on around them were unheeded by both. Maybe if it was Raiha alone, one would have dared to venture further in a greeting, but everyone knew that Tokiya Mikagami was not for touching – Please do not touch exhibit. Thank You.

So the trip was fairly harmless, through the foyer and up the stairs to the third story. They were approaching their classrooms when a certain person pounced on them from behind.

"GOOD MORNING!!" Fuuko sang, obscenely cheerful for the morning and oblivious to the woes of Raiha who had crashed into a notice board, and ignoring the snarls of Mikagami as he picked himself up from the ground.

"It'd probably be better without you around," Mikagami said coolly, refraining from snapping. He checked to see whether he had crushed his glasses (in his pocket) with the fall.

"Aw, don't be so cold, Mi-chan," Fuuko snickered as she snagged one of Raiha's arms. Raiha patted her head helplessly, not making any struggles to get his arm back.

Mikagami suddenly felt something icy make its way through him, weighing him down. He tensed, tearing his eyes away from the way they showed affection towards each other. At that moment, he hated her. He _hated_ Fuuko.

---

A few days later…

"Say, Raiha?" Fuuko rested her chin on one palm and stared moodily down at her ice cream. They were somewhere in the park, lounging on a bench in a shaded area. School had just let off.

"What, Fuuko?" Raiha answered distractedly, trying to get the squirrel on the tree to descend so he could feed it ice cream.

"Have you noticed… that Mi-chan has been looking at me all weird lately?" Fuuko mumbled, sighing a little.

Raiha perked up a little, looking at her through the corner of his eye. "He has?"

"Yes, dumbo. You're a ninja, you know. Be more observant."

"I'm sure it's nothing…" Raiha assured hastily, sounding unconvincing even to himself. Especially to himself. "You're just being paranoid."

"Unn…"

The issue had not been big at first, and Fuuko had shrugged it off indifferently. She would catch Mikagami staring at her whenever the Hokage congregated for a little silliness, or feel eyes on her back during break. Sometimes, if she turned around fast enough, she would see Mikagami turning his gaze elsewhere, but most of the time, he was innocently conversing with someone else, more of the times Raiha than not.

It had not been bad at first, and Fuuko was not inclined to mention it to anyone; as Raiha had suggested, maybe she was just being paranoid. But the past two days had been taxing. Fuuko could swear, Mikagami had laser implants in his eyes. The wind girl squirmed a little at the memory. It had been forty-eight hours of being _nailed_. Mikagami was starting to stare at her more openly. Just today she had looked up from her bento to find the ice man leaning oh-so-bishonenly against a pillar in the cafeteria, not far away enough to conceal himself from Fuuko's vision scope.

The baby blue eyes had been… cold. Not cold like how he shrugged off his fangirls, but more like how he had _looked_ at Kai after the man had taunted him for his sister's death. If Fuuko was not mistaken, the emotion swirling in those blue irises was intense dislike, bordering on pure hatred. And _cold_, dammit.

Fuuko shook her head to clear the memories. Hells be damned if she would let that guy get her. Her eyes flitted to Raiha's face and she sighed. She was not blind to any extent – it was painfully obvious that Mikagami liked Raiha. Was it a mutual liking…?

Suspicion started to manifest. She would have to have a Talk with them soon.

---

Mikagami leaned back against the wall, eyes fixed straight ahead of him, staring at none other but the feared Fuuko Kirisawa. He had been doing that for the past few days, not bothering to be obscure about it, and he did not know why.

But he did. Deep in his heart and at the back of his mind, he knew why he was doing this. He knew why his heartbeat quickened whenever he was near a certain ninja (a purple-hair one, not the black one), and subsequently he knew why the presence of the Ensui felt so much stronger when he saw him, and _her_ together.

Kissing, unaware of the silent audience.

Passion into infinity, the world falls away.

Mirrors, reflecting love that had been buried for so long.

Buried and uncovered again; pieces picked up and cherished.

And all along, there was one who could only watch, by the sidelines. One who will strive for what he could not have, but the effort was away from the eyes of the accusing public. Only when there was no one to witness…

She was creating a scene with the rest again. But he was not there. Mikagami's teeth clenched, and he had to repress the fury that was steadily rising inside him.

"Oi, Mikagami…"

Mikagami blinked, and the life returned to his eyes again. They softened involuntarily when he recognized the owner of that voice, the voice that had coaxed him out of his ghosts. His mask fell over his features, and the surprise was wiped away instantly. Without turning, he asked steely, "What do you want?"

Raiha placed his hand on the Ensui master's shoulder, tracing his line of vision slowly. He hesitated. "I need to talk to you."

Mikagami turned slowly to meet his eyes. Then he nodded, and pushed himself off the wall. He was a human. He had limits.

---

Mikagami led the way to the back of the main school building, where few students frequented. There was a small garden there, with a pond in the middle. Mikagami sat himself on one of the warm rocks around, and looked up at Raiha expectantly, if not carelessly.

"Mikagami…" Raiha started with almost a sigh. "I heard from Fuuko that you have been… watching her, lately."

"I have," Mikagami replied evenly.

Raiha looked at him sharply, then lowered his gaze. "I saw you looking at her just now. Why?"

"What do you mean by 'why'?" Mikagami asked bluntly, looking up at Raiha with indifferent and aloof eyes.

Raiha did not answer. It's my fault… it all comes back to me…

"Raiha," Mikagami snapped, his expression hardening.

"I'm sorry." the ninja blinked, looking up from the spot in the grass he had been burning. Sorry… an ambiguous word – he was sorry for so many things.

"I think love you."

"…"

Mikagami looked away. "I don't want to keep the doubt always there. I know you won't laugh, and I know you won't reject me in the face."

Raiha just stood there, unsure of the next words to come, from himself and from Mikagami.

"Are you going to tell everyone now? You can. I don't care," Mikagami snapped, abruptly standing up, and made to move away. He had not gotten three steps from the rock when Raiha laid a restraining hand on his arm, and whispered softly into the wind.

"Why are you telling me… this…?" he asked, not reproaching, not curious. In fact, he sounded scared and weary. Scared of being weary; weary of being scared.

Mikagami felt the incredulity in him slowly burn itself into anger. Of all the questions, he never expected to be asked this, by Raiha, of all people. He opened his mouth, for once fumbling for something to say. For the first time in his life, he experienced the meaning of being speechless.

After a full minute of incoherent thinking, Mikagami took a deep breath and replied, his voice admirably even, "Why? Because I don't believe I'll lose to Fuuko." He turned and favored Raiha with a cold smirk. Calmly, he peeled away the hand on his arm. "Tokiya Mikagami is not defeated that easily."

He laughed, and walked away.

---

Fuuko was not having an extremely good time.

The aftermath of being **stared** at by Mikagami had not worn off – it was still scaring her mind half to death.

That had to be true. In fact, that was probably the reason why she could not, for the hell of her, remember what kind of stitch should be used for attaching two pieces of cloth together. Not just ordinary cloth, of course. It _had_ to be a pink skirt and a shirt-of-sorts. The ultimate objective would be to attach the two piece together using threads to form a baby dress.

Fuuko scowled, holding her articles of clothing up to scrutinize properly. She had never liked needlework anyway, less so a test.

She frowned deeply, and averted her eyes just a _little_ to her left. She only needed to know what stitch she should use…

In-out-in-out-in-out… the needle flashed up and down, without a pause that allowed Fuuko to cheat. Fuuko sweatdropped at her classmate, who solemnly sat in the chair, back straight and eyes focused on her task, radiating knowledge in the realm of housekeeping.

Fuuko sighed and slumped into her chair. Everyone seemed to be doing fine except for her… what was so great about poking cloth with needles anyway? She could think of so many better things to enact a needle upon…

"Five more minutes," announced the teacher, prim voice sharp, just like how all home economics teachers sounded.

Fuuko groaned into her palms and rubbed her face furiously, annoyed. If she failed _this_ one, she would make the school's record of flunking nine consecutive tests … not to mention the agony of repeated teasing from her _friends_, the ninja apes family…

Yes, and you forgot about Raiha. Fuuko reminded herself, sinking deeper into the quicksand of **ultimate desperation**.

She opened her eyes and looked through the tools and her own sewing pouch once again. No, she will _not_ do badly for this one, no matter what. For her reputation, and for Raiha. Her eyes caught the glint of the stapler.

It was at that moment that the perfect solution formed in her mind. Screw the needles.

---

It was after class and Mikagami was walking down the corridors to his lockers when someone fell in step with him, humming a lively tune. The swords master did not need to turn to know who it was, and he was surprised. But because he was Mikagami, his step never once faltered, and his surprise remained concealed. His silence was a prompt for the other party to start speaking, because _he_ was not about to initiate any forms of conversation.

Raiha coughed, even though he knew he already had the attention of his companion. "Sorry, Mikagami."

Mikagami reached his lockers, and turned the combination to open the lock. The students there automatically parted to give him space. "For what?" he asked cordially, throwing his books in with a little more force than necessary.

"For reacting stupidly today," Raiha sighed, standing primly by Mikagami's side. The stares and giggles that the two of them received were more than enough to unnerve the ninja inside, but he stood bravely behind Mikagami, unflinching.

Mikagami paused for a moment, then resumed his activities, turning out his bag fiercely. "I accept."

Raiha fidgeted at the frigid tone, wondering how to go about the next part of his apology. He calmly watched Mikagami worry his belongings, then chose his words carefully, "Are you free today, Mikagami?"

Mikagami paused again, before shoving everything into the metal cabinet in a pile. He slammed his locker door shut, and turned to face the ninja. "What do you want?"

Raiha scratched his head, abashed. "Want to go for lunch? My treat, to express my apologies."

Yeah right, he taunted himself. You only wanted an excuse to see more of-

Raiha's thought broke off under Mikagami's half-glare. He smiled weakly and tried to meet the intense baby blue eyes. So beautiful… a voice in Raiha's mind reminded.

Mikagami seemed to be contemplating on the idea, because he finally frowned and said, "Fine."

Raiha smiled and bowed his head, trying not to reveal his elation. A small part of his conscience called out that he should _not_ be doing this at all, but that part was very quickly drowned by the rush of happiness that swept through him. Raiha wondered why he felt like that in the first place, why he even asked Mikagami out.

"Right then," Raiha beamed, taking Mikagami's arm and steering him down the congested corridor. "Let's go!"

Mikagami followed mutely, eyes fixed on the overjoyed expression on Raiha's face. It could have been that he was not paying attention to where he was walking, or what he was walking into, because as he was rounding a corner, he collided against something.

Reflexively taking a step back, he was greeted to a most amusing sight.

"Raiha!" Fuuko exclaimed, face lighting up, then winced as the fingers on her ear gave an extra hard twist. "OWWW!! Okay, okay!!"

"Young lady," the teacher warned, one finger going to adjust her spectacles. "If you do not even comprehend the very basics of needlework, one might think that you would at least take the initiative to educate your uncivilized self on the fundamental etiquette that a young lady like yourself should inexcusably possess!"

"Okay, okay…" Fuuko scowled, holding in several curses. She shot Raiha a pitiful look.

"Good afternoon, ma'am," Raiha greeted, keeping his sweatdrop hidden from the view of the teacher.

"Good afternoon, young man," trilled the teacher. "Now if you'd just excuse me, I have to take in hand this uncouth child."

"What did she do?" Raiha asked hastily, before Fuuko could be towed away.

Fuuko blushed furiously, and suddenly gave up struggling, perfectly willing to follow the teacher, who unfortunately stopped. "It's _nothing_, Raiha!"

The teacher glowered at Fuuko (for speaking out of turn) then turned to fish a piece of something out of the basket she carried. "Well will you _look_ at this," she crowed, holding up a pink baby dress, jumping at a chance to do a public exhibition of the 'biggest piece of trash she had ever witnessed in her teaching career'. Students all around paused in interest and amazement. No one, no _teacher_ had ever dared to reprimand the fear-instilling Kirisawa, much less tow her by the ears to where it looked to be the detention room.

"This young lady promptly forgot _all _of her stitches and failed to score _any_ points for methods in the needlework examinations. And what does she do? _She brilliantly picks up the stapler and **staples** her cloths together. _By the gods, would someone _save _her?" the teacher screeched in a crescendo, utterly enraged by the memory. "This is an utter _disgrace_ to womanhood! She shall attend supplementary lessons with me from this very day onwards until she picks up the essential skills of a young woman." The teacher huffed, and Fuuko cringed, groaning to herself.

Raiha stood stunned. Mikagami felt the sides of his mouth begin to twitch. The whole corridor paused, and everyone stared. Then the place burst alive with laughter. Fuuko cursed out loud, scowling.

Raiha closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and beckoned politely to the teacher to go to the corner.

Only after a few minutes, when the resounding noise in corridor had died down, did the teacher look up from her very absorbing conversation, glare vehemently at the seething Fuuko, and walk away with her nose in the air.

Fuuko ogled, her eyebrows raised, and her embarrassment forgotten for the moment. "Whoa, what did you tell her?"

"…Nothing much," Raiha assured, as the congregated crowd began to disperse, still snickering despite the dark looks they received.

Fuuko gave a sigh of relief, and pushed her fringe away from her face. "Geez… what possessed me to do that…?"

Mikagami gave a very audible snort.

Fuuko turned her death glare on him, then decided that she was wasting energy, and turned her attention to the ninja instead. "Raiha!" she pounced on him and hugged him tight. "You saved my life!!" she nearly cried in joy.

No one noticed how Mikagami tensed up.

Raiha sighed indulgently. "Try not to do that too often, okay?"

"Ah well…" Fuuko mumbled, without any intention of elaborating. "Say, let's go for lunch, okay? Listening to the preaching took up lots of energy." She patted her stomach for emphasis.

"Er…" Raiha shot Mikagami a look. "I-"

"He's eating out with me," Mikagami interrupted coldly.

There was a pause for comprehension to set in, then Fuuko's jaws clenched. She smiled brightly and tightened her hold on Raiha's arm. "Then let's _eat together_, Mi-chan."

Raiha closed his eyes tightly, praying for the best outcome. He only hoped Mikagami would play along…

"No."

Fuuko stilled, glaring Mikagami eye-to-eye. "Why not?" she asked after a moment.

"Because I don't want to spend my lunchtime with you," Mikagami replied simply.

Fuuko's lips pulled back into a snarl. "What do you mean, Mikagami?" she let go of the ninja's arm, and took a threatening step towards her rival. "That I'm not good enough to eat with you?"

"No. I just resent being in your presence," Mikagami replied, starting to look bored.

Fuuko lunged for him, aiming to land a punch across his face. Mikagami, reflexes quicker than what she could deal, sidestepped the effort easily. Fuuko caught herself before she fell, and turned a somersault in the air to land on her feet gracefully. She turned to attack again, but Raiha stepped in between the two of them and caught Fuuko by the shoulders.

"Fuuko," he warned. People had once again stopped to watch, amazed by the acrobatics even after a year of enduring Fuuko's actions in the school.

"Don't you try that on me, Raiha!" Fuuko growled, shaking herself free. "Who's more important? Your girlfriend or Mikagami?"

Raiha faltered. "Fuuko…" he tried again.

"Fuuko, there's a time and place for this kind of things," Mikagami cut in, favoring her with his cool gaze that seemed to mock at her recklessness.

Fuuko turned on him. "Mikagami…" she began, voice calm, if not trembling with rage. "You know what?" Fuuko's eyes narrowed.

She raised her voice unconsciously, "If you like Raiha so much, _then at least have the guts to admit you're gay_."

All the students turned to stare.

Author's notes

I've decided; for those who are still reading this, for those who like this, for those who have supported me, you guys choose the ending for me, okay? The second part of this chapter will decide the final outcome, so I have to see the response first. Happily ever after (for Raiha and Mikagami), or a general tragedy… it's your choice. Leave a review or mail me your response, I'm fine with it. If no one cares enough for its outcome, then I'm fine with it too. I don't care for reviews anymore, not as much as I used to. If you have something useful, say it. If you have encouragement, thank you, I need them. If you want to criticize, just make sure you can do better than me first.

(about the issue of Edge of Insanity, _I _was willing to drop the issue until someone else told me that another of her work resembles _hers_. what can i say? there has been so many cases of plagiarizing in the FoR fandom. go on, i admit i'm mean, i never did claim to be a nice person in the first place. whatever i said, i did NOT ask for her to take the fic down. and you know what? i'm sick of fuutoks, i'm sick of tuition, i'm sick of recycled plots. as i was saying, my school photocopying machine does better, and i have many people who agree with me. for whatever flames that you have given me, i'm sorry, they're kinda useless, you know. you're just not good enough to deflate my ego *evil laughter*)

To Raydance-sempai, always.

My greatest appreciation to the reviewers who have dropped a line to let me know that you are still waiting for the next part of this fic – you can't imagine how happy it makes me, to know this is still appreciated J Thank you.

Happy Valentines to everyone!

_________________________________________________________________________

Canon plot and characters are properties of the creator and distributors of Flame of Recca and are copyright to their respective owners. Author of this work claims no ownership, part or whole, of the canon plot and characters. No copyright infringement is intended. This fan fiction and all other relevant chapters and work, both text and non-text, are created for sole purpose of entertainment. Work is absolutely a non-commercial creation and no profits are made from the production, maintenance or display.

The Darker Side is an original piece of fan work copyrighted to saturn de wicked. No part of this work is to be reproduced or adapted in any way without the author's permission.

The situation of Fuuko's needlework test was a real story that my form teacher told us. It was _her_ earlier days, so I would say I added it in for the entertainment factor. 


	5. Part Four(b)

Can't Let You Go

PART FOUR (B)

Mikagami was getting really angry. He was not showing it physically, as always, so it seemed that no one had yet to perceive his displeasure. His 'worshippers' seemed to have disagreements with the statement of fact that he made a day ago, and had taken it into their heads to execute actual plans of cornering him.

He glanced at the clock, then at the faces that were looking through the transparent window of the classroom door. In the backs of his mind, he wondered how they managed to get out of class that early, but that small curiosity was overwhelmed by the nagging feeling that today's trouble will be thicker than yesterday's.

His eyes trailed to other parts of the classroom. The teacher was literally perspiring as he drew various graphs on the chalkboard, totally oblivious to the fact that his voice could never reach his students' ears through the chatter and squeals of the girls congregated outside. Once in a while, Mikagami would catch an incredulous look from one of his classmates via his peripheral vision. If the cacophony outside was not distracting enough, the class itself was contributing to the noise level. Mikagami snorted to himself – he could hear every word that they were trying to whisper to one another.

Resting his chin on his palm, he picked up his pen and started doodling on his exercise book. Raiha was laboriously copying down the graphs in front of him. Mikagami's pencil drew a smooth arc across the page; it seemed like he was always observing the ninja nowadays, almost unconsciously, he mused to himself. But it was not like he could help it, when he came down to it.

Mikagami has never denied that he was a sucker for obsessions. In fact, his last one was so serious it turned his life inside out, and ended in a general flop.

His pencil broke in his hand. The snap was loud enough to turn the heads of all the occupants of the room, the teacher included. Only Raiha kept staring at the board, pencil scribbling. Mikagami had not missed the way his body tensed, though. He put the two halves back into his pencil case, and took out a fresh one, ignoring the more pointed looks he was receiving.

Mikagami took a step back and accessed the whole situation. He frankly did not know how deep his like/love for Raiha went.

The pencil outlined the eyes, emphasizing on the lids, half-closed.

He only understood one thing, and that was that he did not want to lose him, like how he did Mifuyu.

The lashes were black, and curled a little. Dark like how the hair was, with the same sensual quality.

But the Mikagami family was generally cursed – this obsession too, will probably end in tragedy, for him and for Raiha, and for others. But as of now, all he could think of was a warm body beside his as he slept, as he actually slept, and an arm around his shoulders, holding him like he was important… He would never ask for too much; he only wanted it to last at least a little longer, to give him time to savor the feeling before he returned to the cold again.

Hair that flopped into the eyes, without the usual band to hold it up. Arms curled up beneath the face, on which it was rested.

But in the end, when he had to go, he did not want to give it to Fuuko. He did not want to give it to anyone, to have anybody else other than him taste the same forbidden feeling. Why are you being to hard on yourself…? You know that in one year's time, he'll probably have already forgotten about you and moved on. And even then, you'll still be circling the same spot, the place that you've been wandering in for the past eight years…

Mouth open, chaste lips moving slightly as he inhaled. Eyes shut tight, the wall that separated dream and reality.

And in the end, you'll still be the one that's hurt.

Legs tucked in, body curled up, pale skin soaking in the sunlight.

But it's alright, isn't it?

White sheets crumpled beneath the slumbering body.

Is it?

Mikagami set down his pencil, and stared at the picture.

Then, at the instant of returning to reality, the noise pierced through his thoughts. He shot another glance at the clock on the wall. it would be less than a minute to the end of class… Mikagami shut his textbook and his exercise book, sliding his pencil into his pencil case and zipping it shut in one swift motion. Everything went into his bag, just as the bell rang.

The doors slammed open, both the front one and the back one. Mikagami was taken aback at how crowded the corridor outside was. He thought there were at most, twenty of them. But as it was, he could not see an end to the crowd of girls (and boys). How many of them were innocent bystanders, he did not know.

So in one big crowd, they started to pour into the room.

"Mikagami-sempai! Is it true that-"

"Tokiya, it can't be!"

"Mikagami-sempai, Mikagami-sempai! Look this way!"

Be more creative… Mikagami sighed internally. He caught the wild look Raiha gave him, and shrugged. Raiha was probably thinking that there was no way they could get out of the mess, now that the fire was being fanned stronger and stronger. Mikagami smirked, and gave Raiha his Look.

Then, assuming that class was dismissed, Mikagami threw open the window, and flung himself with one hand over the sill. In one fluid movement, he was out of the class and falling down three stories to a concrete ground.

Even as he fell, and the wind rushed by his ears, Mikagami could hear the screams of horror above him. He did a flip in the air and landed on his two feet, with the grace that belonged all to him.

And then, as if he had splatted himself all over the pavement instead, two girls behind him shrieked in _terror_, and started running in the opposite direction. You'd have thought they hadn't seen people falling from the sky before… Mikagami thought, amusing himself with the lame sarcasm.

He shouldered his bag and squinted at his classroom window. It may be a trick of the eye, but for one moment, he thought he saw Raiha shaking with laughter. Surprised, Mikagami stood his ground for a moment, trying to observe more of the reaction in his class. He had meant to take off as soon as he could, in case there were more people in ambush.

Like yesterday… he mused. Yesterday had been disastrous… they had to race home in the midst of being assaulted by friend and foe alike…

---

"If you like Raiha so much, then at least have the guts to admit you're gay_."_

The words struck Mikagami hard.

And then there was perfect silence in the hallway. Mikagami took a second to rein in whatever emotions that threatened to break loose, then met Fuuko squarely in the eyes. "I'm afraid I don't understand."

The wind girl looked as if she was going to attack him again. "This_ is what I mean! You hound Raiha day and night, and then when someone confronts you about it, you just feign clueless. What are you afraid of, Mikagami? That people will look down at you if you're gay? Think about Raiha, you bloody fucking selfish asshole!"_

"…" Mikagami's eyes narrowed dangerously. Fuuko was threading in a place she had no business to be in. "And you have evidence that I'm supposedly gay?"

"I've seen the way you look at him," Fuuko continued, rabid. "And the way you behave around him! If I were someone else, I'd say it's positively sick_! Raiha deserves someone better than your kind of selfish bastard! Selfish!"_

Mikagami's temper began to fray. His lips curled into a nasty smile. "If you haven't got something much more substantial to base your accusation on…"

His glare remained on Fuuko, as he reached out, grabbed Raiha's collar, and kissed him roughly. A deep, deep desire that ran with adrenaline through his veins… his tongue brushed at Raiha's lips, not expecting and not getting any response. Mikagami took an aggressive step forward, pushing Raiha against the wall, his one hand landing beside Raiha's head to support himself.

And still, there was an unblemished silence. Mikagami broke the kiss gently and drew back to take in Raiha's stunned expression. Stunned, but not disgusted or angry, just as he predicted. Or he would not even have tried in the first place…

Mikagami smiled, a small, almost embarrassed smile that only Raiha could see. Letting the simmering ire inside him magically dissipate, he turned around again to face Fuuko. He smirked, "That was a little demonstration to show that I am not afraid of being branded a homosexual. And this,_"_

He leaned in close to Fuuko dangerously, with elegance in every movement, "is to show you that, no, I am not_ gay."_

He leaned down and met Fuuko lip to lip, the kiss mockingly gentle. His tongue flicked lightly over her mouth, moistening the slightly dry surface. The wind girl froze. Laughing softly, Mikagami broke off lightly and whispered in her ear.

"I'm a bisexual."

He took Raiha's hand and led him away, to the promised lunch.

---

Mikagami still wanted to laugh, as he recalled the disbelieving look on Fuuko's face when he suavely pulled the curtains on the issue. After a whole night of thought, though, he still could not fathom which devil it was that possessed him to play the prank.

They had not confronted Fuuko the whole day – the Fuujin master seemed to be absent from school.

Mikagami was about to turn and make for the hostel when someone landed beside him, a flurry of purple hair. More screams followed them, as they raced each other back to the hostel. It was good that neither of them had activities in school going on, or there would have been more problems. Inwardly, Mikagami wondered when things would cool down, and whether he needed to organize a press conference. Apparently, soon after his first fan girl found him, loads of others had decided he was to be their prince charming, and thus, the current situation.

A peal of laughter caught his attention, and he stole a glance at the ninja. Raiha caught his look and grinned happily in return. Mikagami arched an eyebrow, keeping his cool façade even as a surge of warmth rose in him. Raiha's laughter sounded good.

It was only when they reached the hostels that they slowed down. Towards the end of the first minute into their run, speed had already not been crucial, because they were already out of the main school compounds.

The hostels were deserted at this time of the day. Raiha nodded politely to the security guard and daringly laid a hand on Mikagami's shoulders, guiding him to their room, two stories up. Mikagami briefly regarded the warm hand, then looked away. He wondered how much between them has changed. "Why were you laughing?"

Raiha gave a casual grin, almost to himself. "No particular reason. I just felt so… free, running together with you."

Mikagami snorted. "Is that a pick-up line?"

Raiha shrugged good-naturedly. "It may be."

In their shared room, Mikagami dropped his bag onto his bed and let his hair loose, with a tired sigh.

"What are you going to do today?" Raiha asked, pouncing his pillow and curling up on the sheets. "I have this bad feeling that this room's going to be stormed, so if you are planning on staying here…"

"No. I'm going out," Mikagami replied, before he entered the shower.

"Where?" Raiha called, turning around to lie on his back. He watched Mikagami hang up his clothes and take off his shirt, before the swordsman caught him staring and slammed the door. "Hey!" Raiha protested.

When he next emerged, he was dripping wet with only a towel around his waist. Raiha chanced a mischievous whistle, which earned him a glare from Mikagami. The ninja snickered.

"You haven't answered my question yet. Where are you going?" Raiha resumed hugging his pillow lovingly.

Mikagami shrugged in response. "To the park. The library. Someplace quiet." He pulled on some slacks and draped the towel over his head.

"For?"

"Peace."

"Want me to come along?" Raiha offered. "I don't have anything to do this afternoon, and I don't to die here."

Mikagami paused to consider. "I said I wanted peace…" and he considered again, "and you don't exactly warranty peace," _and _he still considered, "but if you really want to come…"

Raiha grinned to himself. "Sure. Beats getting trampled. Girls don't exactly have dainty feet anymore."

Mikagami shrugged, then asked tersely, "Don't you have explanations for Fuuko? She must still be cursing us from somewhere on this continent."

Raiha quieted at that, and waited wordlessly for Mikagami to finish dressing. "Let's go," he murmured, and led the way out via the window again.

They took the small pebble-strewn path at the back of the hostel, which led, in a roundabout way, to a small district in the neighborhood, close to where Recca and the others lived. Mikagami took care to move at a safe radius, since he still did not know whether Domon had heard about the commotion yet. He certainly had not had any gorilla experience yet, but one should not take chances like that.

They found a relatively deserted spot in a nearby park, where there was a fountain bubbling in the middle of an artificial clearing. Mikagami retrieved his reading material from a random pocket and sat himself down by the fountain on the grass, the soft gurgling pleasant to the ears. Mikagami would not consider himself a sensual person – he did not have time for that – but he enjoyed little things like that that could shed some light onto his soul.

But recently, he had been forgoing more and more of these things, in favor of…

He opened the book to where he left a bookmark, and started reading, ignoring Raiha completely. The ninja gave Mikagami a disappointed look, when he saw that Mikagami actually meant to _read_, and debated with himself on whether to chance poking the grim swordsman.

His intelligence defeated temptation though, and Raiha settled for swatting at the waters from the fountain, left to his own boring devices. He only sat still on the warm granite for three minutes before starting to fidget. Eventually, he ran off into the trees, not noticing a pair of baby blue eyes on him, and the small wistful smile that twitched the soft lips.

Feigning the innocence he lost long ago… Mikagami thought, as his eyes skimmed over the words on his book. But the act seems to have him consumed, sometimes… He breathed out slowly, almost a sigh, as he was once again reminded of how much a mystery Raiha was to him. He just didn't comprehend.

But then again, he had never claimed to understand the Jyushinshyu ninja. Unlike someone else.

Mikagami relaxed into his sitting position, intent on actually spending time reading, instead of accumulating doodles on a random scrapbook. It was a nasty habit that he could not seem to shake off lately, and it was worse when they were doodles that he would have taken his life before letting anyone in on them.

It was with that thought that he drifted into the world of Physics – it was a three inch thick hardcover on advanced dynamics – the pure meaning of grotesque to the average society. But as it was, Tokiya Mikagami went through the first fifty pages of text like they were fiction, without external disturbance.

It took Raiha about three-quarters of an hour to come back from his forage into the nearby trees. And when he did, he did so with stealth, so much that Mikagami did not notice his presence before a hand gently covered his eyes and something slid against the back of his left ear, resting its weight there.

"What?" Mikagami demanded, though voice not reproaching. He plucked Raiha's hand off – it sent a tingling down his spine – and touched behind his ear.

To his surprise, Mikagami found himself staring at a small white flower as it rested softly on his palm. He blinked dumbly at it, then gave the smiling ninja an inquiring look. "What's this for?"

Raiha shrugged his helplessness, and replied, "I didn't pluck it, it was already on the ground when I found it!"

"I asked what's the flower for."

"Well…" Raiha scratched his head sheepishly. "I just thought it'd make you look more alive… you look so _cute_ with it behind your ear, Mikagami!"

"Cute…?"

"Er… I mean…" Raiha hastily attempted to amend.

"Are you making fun of me?" Mikagami skillfully arched an eyebrow.

"No!"

"Positive?" Mikagami queried again, this time suppressing the smiling rising in him.

"On my life," Raiha assured, sitting down beside him on the grass, ruffling Mikagami's long hair a little.

"…Thank you, then," Mikagami fingered the petals lightly, thoughtfully.

"Er… You're not angry then?" Raiha blinked, just a little surprised.

"You're expecting me to be?" Mikagami asked, tone neutral, fighting his mirth. He really and absolutely did not understand the ninja, but he did realize that he looked _extremely_ adorable blinking, just like that.

Mikagami gazed into the depths of Raiha's eyes, letting the small grin escape him. He lifted to flower to the sun and gave a sigh of something that sounded like contentment. "Nice," he commented, before carefully taking Raiha's hand. He looked from the smooth skin back to Raiha's inquiring eyes, then to the flower. "Thank you, Raiha…" he whispered, and kissed the slender long fingers tenderly.

A small shy smile flitted over Raiha's face, and he left his hand in Mikagami's warm grasp, feeling the heat slowly seep up. This was the comfort that he always found when he was near the iceman. The iceman who was not cold – no, never cold…

Mikagami pushed his book off his lap where it had been sitting, and shifted closer to Raiha, letting his head rest half on his shoulder. Raiha himself welcomed the increased contact – craved it even – and he stretched his leg, putting it beside Mikagami's happily. He sighed contentedly and let his head rest back against the warm stone that made the basin of the water fountain. They had to find some place to eat at later on, but for now…

Raiha closed his eyes, feeling with a certain pleasure the weight of Mikagami's head on his shoulder. A few loose tendrils of hair tickled his cheeks. The moment felt so… peaceful. Raiha cracked open an eyelid and looked silently at Mikagami's lips, open slightly. His cheat heaved slightly in rhythm to his breathing; it was then that Raiha noticed Mikagami was already asleep. Asleep leaning against _him_.

Should I… or should I not…? he wondered lazily, continuing to stare at Mikagami's delicate face. He had been through so much, but when his eyes were closed, he just looked like he had preserved the innocence he deserved, that everyone deserved.

The sunlight filtered through the leaves of the surrounding trees, landing in patches over both of them.

Not too far away, someone who was approaching that particular small haven stopped in her tracks.

Rational thought drained themselves away, and Raiha leaned down to kiss Mikagami lightly on the mouth, awkwardly at first, then more adeptly, as the lips underneath moved to encourage him. Mikagami's eyes remained closed, but he shifted as Raiha cupped his face. He could feel the hot breath on his face, and then Raiha's tongue slipped into the confined space in his mouth, tasting him experimentally.

Mikagami broke the kiss, pulling back a little. "Damn you…" he murmured, eyes still closed. "I haven't slept for more than ten minutes…"

"Sorry," Raiha breathed, face barely an inch away. "Can't help it."

Then Mikagami shifted his body, so that he straddled Raiha, a leg at either sides of his waist, kneeling. "Tell me if I'm too heavy, and I'll move off." He whispered softly, leaning their foreheads together and looking into Raiha's irises.

He leaned in and took the lead, delving his tongue into Raiha's mouth without any of the gentleness that the ninja had spared him. "Hmm…" Raiha said, meaning unknown. He rested his hands on Mikagami's hips, as the other set of hands locked behind his own neck.

They exchanged tastes for what seemed like hours, but the patches of shade and sunlight on their faces had yet to move much, so it must not have been as long an eternity as what it seemed to be. Mikagami could hold his breath well; it was Raiha who had to break off for breaths.

But eventually both ran out of steam, or rather, started to rationalize. It would be unwise to continue what they were doing in public. Raiha shifted a little so that the mild erection he was getting would not be that evident. Mikagami leaned his forehead against his, breath slowing down. A wry smile formed on his lips, but he did not speak.

"Raiha…?"

"Hm?" the ninja replied, voice heavy, as Mikagami started nibbling on his jaw.

"Let's go. Either to eat or to some place more private," Mikagami sighed softly, giving his lips one final nip before backing off, letting himself fall to one side onto the grass. He looked like he was starting to regret what they had done.

Perhaps Mikagami saw the doubts that flitted across his face for that one instant, because the next second, he was looking away again, the usual defensiveness coming back to him like a protective layer of skin that he could never do without. And maybe Raiha realized what he had unconsciously done, and he guiltily took his hand again, and squeezed, as if in reassurance. "Right," he smiled. "Let's go eat then. I'm hungry!" But the truth was, he did not exactly want to continue with it, even though it was he who had initiated the intimate moment in the first place.

Mikagami gave him a thin smile, but did not push his hand away. He thought he was a little paranoid over every little move Raiha made, and it pained him to know that he was not the main character in Raiha's life. He thought he would be satisfied, as long as the ninja was near…

Still unknown to them, the pair of eyes watching them had moistened over, and tears had started to fall. She gritted her teeth in anger and frustration. Angry that she saw what she did, and frustrated that she could do nothing about it, frustrated that they seemed so happy, frustrated at her own tears – why was she crying anyway?

She turned on her heels and left. It was all she could do not to run away, and wonder where the Raiha she liked- loved, had gone.

---

It rained that day, even after they got back to their room. Even so, the implicit mutual feeling of happiness was so great, even Mikagami failed to get irritated by the constant invasion of unclean city rain into his eyes. Raiha could not recall a time when he had heard Mikagami laugh so much. He had a nice laugh, loud and boyish.

So they lied in bed with each other after they had washed themselves and changed into clean clothes. Mikagami continued reading up on Physics, while Raiha whiled time away by constantly slipping across and back the border of sleep. It was evening, around 6pm, when they got back, and it was nearly nine when Mikagami finally set his book aside. They had missed dinner altogether, but that was not a rare occurrence. Mikagami favored his own cooking over hostel food.

Raiha opened his eyes when Mikagami stirred. He eyed the thick book on the side table lazily, still drowsy. "Is your studies so important to you?" he murmured, rubbing his eyes.

The rain still poured outside, lashing at their windows. Mikagami gave a half-amused snort, then shook his head shortly. "Habit. Meguri never taught according to syllabus. I had to do my own reading to pass his examinations."

"Examinations?" Raiha asked, pushing himself up on his elbows, and blinking at the light.

"For some reason, he insists on me continuing my studies," Mikagami shrugged, arranging the blankets around them properly, for they had been half kicked off by Raiha's frequent shifting. "He would spring tests on me, and deal punishments when I don't do well."

"And you like Physics?"

"No. But it's better than Chemistry," Mikagami reasoned, turning out the lights via the switch near the bed. "I'm going to sleep now, you alright with that?"

Raiha gave a small murmur of affirmation, settling down in the nest of blankets again. "Don't you read magazines…? I get the impression that others our age prefer those."

Mikagami gave another snort, implication unknown, then he laid himself so that his body covered Raiha's, their legs entwined. Raiha made a sound of pleasure, and rubbed his heel against Mikagami's calf, relishing in the itchy and warm sensation. He smiled into Mikagami's hair, feeling teeth on his collarbone.

"Want more?" Mikagami asked softly, almost hesitantly. Raiha could almost feel him cringing away, deathly afraid of rejection.

The ninja grinned into the darkness. "Sure," he whispered just as quietly, voice unheard by anyone except the person on top of him, in the midst of the storm.

The intensity of the rain made itself known outside, and the thunder rumbled softly, almost comfortingly, in the background. Surprising though, neither of the two noticed, or even thought about the wind, the wind that hid silently in one corner, this wild night.

****

Author's notes

Erm… anyone caught the sexual implication up there? *points* I exaggerated Mikagami too much here, I think, in his reaction to Fuuko *sigh* but I like it that way, so I'm not going to change it. Thank you great people who waited patiently for this fic… *cries* I'm really very touched ;_; Really!

This chapter is to those who wanted raitok *cheers* You guys rule! :D

And a big big apology to Raydance-sempai… -_-;; I'm going to work on this tomorrow… I promise… one more part and an epilogue to go……….. (yay… the notes are relatively short!)

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Canon plot and characters are properties of the creator and distributors of Flame of Recca and are copyright to their respective owners. Author of this work claims no ownership, part or whole, of the canon plot and characters. No copyright infringement is intended. This fan fiction and all other relevant chapters and work, both text and non-text, are created for sole purpose of entertainment. Work is absolutely a non-commercial creation and no profits are made from the production, maintenance or display.

Can't Let You Go is an original piece of fan work copyrighted to saturn de wicked. No part of this work is to be reproduced or adapted in any way without the author's permission.


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